Random musings after two Murdered Tests !

After two immensely forgettable Tests with New Zealand, what have we got to remember, learn and carry home ? 

Indian Cricket is so very complex: Quite like Harbhajan Singh's Technique. You can never say Bhajji lacks technique. But neither can you you say he has it. Just like Team India. You can't say they are No. 1 Test Team. You can't say they aren't No. 1 either ! 

They always play on level ground: They play every opponent at their level; that is the opponent's level. Never expect Team India to crush weaklings. Never expect them to capitulate easily against the best. There will be a fight. Nothing less, nothing more. 

Why is the Indian middle order confused ? Answer is simple. First Jatman Viru Sehwag goes out and bashes everything in sight as if he were Dharmendra and the bowlers, the baddies. And then Rahul Dravid comes out with his brand of Gandhigiri and refuses to hit anything ! No wonder Dhoni, Raina and even Sachin look lost in the middle. 

The Great Indian Run Rate: India have over the past 3 years maintained a better run rate compared to all other teams in Tests. What is the secret ? This has been partly explained above. Sehwag wags to attain a strike rate of 100% or an average of 6 RPO. Dravid lags and attains a strike rate of 25% or about 1.5 RPO. The other confused lot fall in between at 42% or 2.5 RPO. Thus India manage to keep the total scoring rate above 3.3 RPO. 

The All Rounders problem solved: Bhajji is the answer to India's long standing prayers for a Batting All-rounder. Sending him to bat at No. 8 is a master-stroke. India's middle order actually starts here with very competent batsmen like Zaheer, Ojha and Sreesanth to follow. And just think of it, Ishant Sharma is not even playing. What an embarrassment of riches.

Suresh Raina finally has arrived as the Bowling All-rounder. So what if he has got more wickets than the runs he has scored of late ? Anyway we now have two genuine All-rounders !

Taking responsibility, Indian style: Whenever Team India are in trouble, someone or the other stands up to be counted. The 'Someone' is Laxman and the 'Other' is Harbhajan Singh ! 

This series is not about the 50th Century: Whom are they trying to fool ? Every member of the Team is so preoccupied with this number, they have actually forgotten there is a Test series going on. Anything else happening out there is an irritant. No wonder the Kiwis have taken flight after being grounded by Bangladesh !

Then some 'Random' acceptance Speeches... 

Bhajji: People threw brick-bats at me and I used the bricks to construct Milestones in Mohali and the bats to score two centuries ! 

Gambhir: I owe my performance in this test to Viru and Rahul. While Viru went on like Viru, nobody noticed me. Those who did notice, thought Rahul batted left handed at the other end. 

Dravid: I am relieved now because there is someone to take over my mantle now. I was totally confused while I watched Gambhir bat. I often felt I was out there in the middle and batting left handed. 

Sehwag: New Zealand is an ordinary team. It is just that some of us are wasting too many four balls. I have to make up for everyone including Sreesanth. I would prefer if Bhajji comes out to bat at No. 3 and Rahul comes out only if we have to face follow on. 

Raina: I play my natural game as Dhoni has asked me to. What if they keep three men on the boundary ? I can always come back and play the next innings or the next or the next... 

Laxman: I enjoy playing under pressure. I am forever indebted to my team-mates for providing me with ample opportunities to do so. It is such a pleasure, almost like sitting inside the pressure cooker used by my Mom to prepare idlees. What if you are steam cooked practically every test ? Idlees do taste Delicious ! 

Dhoni:  We have to accept we have not batted well and our bowlers have tried their level best to match the batsmen. Our fielding can be better and the wicket-keeping particularly needs some improvement. Overall though I am satisfied with our performance. You win some, you draw some and you can always drop some catches.

McCullum: Bhajji inspired me to go for the Double Ton. If he can score two hundreds in two innings, I can score two hundred in one innings. Impossible is nothing ! 

Vettori: We have come back strongly after the Bangladesh debacle. Aussies lost 2-0 in 2 Tests in India. So we are better than them now. I believe my new born baby deserves all the credit for this.

And last but not the Least !

Curator: I hoped I will be remembered as the man who prepared the pitch on which Sachin Tendulkar scored his 50th Hundred. Alas, Everyone else scored here except Sachin !





S-Pun Doctor

Zulaqrnain Hyder goes into Hiding; The Real Story !

Five unrelated headlines that perhaps are closely related !

Now let us see if and how they are related...

1] I was Rubbish 5 years ago: Swann !

Swann says he 'was' rubbish 5 years ago. Which should mean he doesn't think he is rubbish now. That  definitely is a great or ominous sign before the Ashes depending upon which side you are supporting ! 

2] Best Still to Come: Strauss !

Strauss believes 'their best' is yet to come. Which means the progress from rubbish to Swann is not the end of progress ! And that implies Aussies have a job on hand.

3] My Teammates respect my Captaincy: Clarke !

Clarke in the meanwhile doesn't want to sound intimidated. But he isn't confident about his own Teammates. So he says his 'Aussie Teammates' respect him. So are there 'Non-Aussie Teammates' in the Aussie Team now ? People from the other world believe this team is full of them ! 

4] Tendulkar Better than Bradman: Zaheer Abbas !

Zaheer Abbas for one is one such chap. He has no respect for the current Aussies including Mike Hussey and Marcus North. So much so, he has gone on record and declared 'The God' to be better than 'The Don' ! Last heard that Obama is planning to hire Zaheer Abbas to solve all the outstanding Indo-Pak issues !

5] PCB Send Legal Notice to Arthur !

And as a clear indicator of Pakistan softening its stand towards long-standing enemy India, PCB has warned Mickey Arthur with dire consequences. There is no mention of India, BCCI or any Indian in any part of their latest salvo. That is such a big relief !

As a further goodwill gesture, PCB has offered to play India in a home series to be played in Sri Lanka. The team will be lead by both Mohammad Yousuf and Younis Khan. MoYo will lead from one end and Y2K from the other. As usual, Afridi will be the Captain !

The PCB's Arthur threat package includes bombarding Arthur with Bigg no balls courtesy Dolly of Bigg Boss with Veena Malik for expert help. They also plan to fix him in a match with Rakhi Sawant on next edition of Rakhi ka Swayam-war ! Appointing him as the next Pakistan Coach too has been mooted as one of the harsher punishments.

No wonder the poor guy got scared beyond words. If anyone talking against 'Match Fixing' has to face all this, it isn't worth it. If Mickey Arthur can be subjected to such unbelievable torture, what will a puny little substitute of Kamran Akmal do ? He has to 'Hide' because his name says so...

So...

Zulaqrnain Hyder goes into Hiding !



S-Pun Doctor

Oh Kiwis, They Know Not What They've done !

The Bhajji, The Kiwis and The Peace of Mind of a Country !

New Zealand have always tormented India. Much worse than the South Africans, Steve Bucknor, Maoists and Pakistan sponsored Terrorists. India's records against Australia, Pakistan, England and West Indies have shown significant improvement over the past decade. But the Kiwis somehow have maintained a kind of enviable hold over the Indian psyche. Something like the Post-Miyandad Pakistan did for a long time.

This is true in spite of the fact that India managed to beat the Kiwis in Kiwi-land the last time they visited. But that win was a labored one. This can be explained by the fact that India always play at the level of opponents. Never crushing wins; almost always hard fought wins !

Chris Martin gave a glimmer of hope of an unbelievable win for the Kiwis last evening. But that perhaps was a ploy by the Indian top order to fool the visitors and then unleash Laxman once again on a day five pitch.

Laxman did what he is best at. He batted on and on and on till the frustrated Umpire Davies got him out. How can he remain not out for the third time in three tests on a day five wicket ? There should be some kind of respect for that dreaded entity !

But what the Kiwis have managed to do or rather not managed to do is what is going to hurt us Indians more and more in future.

No, it isn't Chris Martin's spell on day-4. We have seen and survived worse !

No, it isn't Kane Kane Williamson's maiden hundred on debut. We have seen that too !

No, it isn't Jesse Ryder either. Ryder somehow likes Indian bowling like Srisanth loves to make faces.

No, it isn't about denying Sachin Tendulkar his 50th test century. He will get that and we aren't worried.

No, it also isn't about Rahul Dravid managing to survive and thus keeping Pujara out for some more time.

It is about Harbhajan Singh's Century. For a long time now, he has threatened us with his 'All-round' abilities. The Aussies managed to keep him at bay. He has played some cameo knocks before and has saved some matches or helped in some wins.

But a Test Century had eluded him. It was this distinction that allowed us to sleep in peace. The peace assured by the fact that we can always ridicule Bhajji for his 'tall claims'. Alas, the peace of mind is decimated now.

Bhajji had declared himself as 'All-rounder' before the recent Australia series. And we all had a good laugh when he failed with the bat. Imagine a Century on a last day track for Bhajji. How will we survive the Centurion Harbhajan now ?

Oh They Know Not What They Have Done !





S-Pun Doctor

Collapsistan Lost and Nobody Blamed !

Pakistan lost badly to South Africa at Abu Dhabi.

Collapsistan Lost and Nobody Blamed !

Kevin Peitersen calls John Buchanan [JB] a 'Nobody' [NB]. Does that mean Bhooka Nan was blamed ?

Usually Cricket reports contain so many details about balls and no-ball calls, wickets and tickets and runs and ruins !

And This was reported as a matter of fact rather than as a matter of act !

Beats me, just take a look at what all weird things happened...

From 140 / 1 after 30 overs, Pakistan were bundled out for 203 in the penultimate over.

Collapses aren't new to Pakistan Cricket. They can definitely be renamed 'Collapsistan'. But even by their own exalted standards, this was ridiculous because they weren't even properly hitting out !

After the departure of Younis Khan, from Misbah-ul-Haq down; 8 Pakistan batsmen just could not hit a single boundary if we leave out the lone sixer by Shoaib Actor.

In fact the last boundary of Pakistan innings was a mishit of the last ball of 26th over. Actor managed the lone sixer of the third ball of 49th over.

Younis Khan once again proved, "Clash is Temporary, Class is Permanent". Why is he such a recluse ?

Zulkarnain Haider made his ODI debut and played a classic test innings. Has he 'booked' his berth ?

Pakistan deployed 7 bowlers and they managed only 2 no-balls and both were bowled by Actor Miyan. They just are not ready to cross the line !

Hashim Amla is playing like Virendar Sehwag. Who gave him the liberty ?

Graeme Smith hurt his fingers again for the 739th time. 'Poppadam Fingers' !

Pakistan batsmen must have been intimidated by the name Lonwabo Tsotsobe. They probably thought it was some mosquito causing Dengue Fever. It's rumored that Afridi called Yuveraj Singh to find out about it !

AB de Villiers scored only 51. Can't believe that. When was the last time he got out so cheaply ?

Graeme Smith retired hurt. Kallis didn't want to be left behind and he too cramped !

South Africa are called Saffers or SA. But Pakistan team has three SAs in their 11. Shahid Afridi, Saeed Ajmal and Shoaib Actor. This was 3 SAs vs SA !

Saffers are shuffling their batting order like nobody's business. Is Greg Chappelle around there ?

Billy Bowden wasn't there, but A-sad Rauf more than made up for that by getting the prized wicket of Younis Khan !

So much happened and absolutely no noise pollution ! Why ?

Here are the reasons...

Pakistan Parliament hasn't constituted an inquiry commission and all the donkeys in Pakistan are reported to be safe.

Ejaz Butt is silent. Someone was heard gossiping he was attending an intensive course on 'Fart of Living' !

Salman Butt and Mohammad Asif are in Dubai; away from their herd, busy being heard.

Miyandad is playing 'Grand-Dad' and is getting ready to welcome his daughter's fifth child. He wants 11 children from her so that he can have a team of his own. He hopes to become the Undisputed Coach of Pakistan.

And Mohsin Khan is busy seeking no objection certificates for the As-ifs and Butts and is talking to Dawn !



S-Pun Doctor

India Won !

India drubbed Australia by 7 wickets and saved the Indian fans a lot of stress and heartache !

If Mohali was won on an Oxygen cylinder, Bengaluru was a 'Smoother Delivery' !

2-0 is better than 1-0 and certainly much better than 1-1. Thanks Laxman !

"I don't like to count. I score and let others count": Sachin Tendulkar continues to grow up and nobody can help it ! 

Vijay finally has arrived. Gautam Gambhir should watch his steps ! 

Sehwag failed to cross 50 in a Test for the first time after 11 tests.
 Incidentally this coincides with his tongue wagging more than the bat ! 

Pujara has arrived. Che is here to stay !

Thanks Rahul for being 'The Wall' for all these years ! 
But I think it is time to say Dravid RIP [Retire In Peace] ! 

Raina needs to rein in his ODI and T-20 shots in Test Cricket !

Dhoni can do nothing wrong, including promoting Che today ! 

Bhajji the Batsman failed. Bhajji the bowler fared better ! 

Ojha is not Bedi, but we will settle for Ojha because he doesn't call Bhajji a Chucker ! 

Zaheer is an 'Old ball' and is better with the Old Ball ! Dhoni revers him !

Sreesanth still has the fire in the belly. But not much in the new ball !

Laxman was smiling like a sage at the post match celebrations, and why not ? 

Ishant Sharma gets his confidence back when he sees a certain Mr. Ponting in the opposition.
He deserves an applause too ! 

Kudos to Gary Kirsten, his support staff and his wards ! 

A wholesome Victory for a Team that looks more like a Number-1 Test Team now !

S-Pun Doctor

5 Non-Cricketing Reasons for the Mohali Win !

India won by a millimeter, a test they could have won by miles. Did Australia fight tooth and nail ? Or did the Indian batsmen play shots that deserved tooth and nail extraction without local anesthesia ? We will leave it there !

As is our habit, we woke up to Crisis Man Laxman's brilliance and then returned quickly to debate on Sachin Tendulkar missing out on yet another hundred. I know many people would have been happier if Tendulkar were to get his century even if India had lost the match. We are Indians, Sachin comes first. Perhaps soon after Rajnikant !

But Sachin missed out and India won ! And we had a god-damned exciting match that would have killed many on either side of the border if the opponent were to be Pakistan.

Why did India win in spite of...
* Atrocious shots by Virendar Sehwag in both innings ?
* Sachin Tendulkar's dismissal at most inopportune moments in both innings ?
* Dravid's problem with leg-cutters ?
* Sanjay Hazare's magnanimity ?
* Super All-rounder Bhajji's failure to fire with the bat in both knocks ?
* Ishant Sharma's Dirty Dozen No-balls ?
* Dhoni's shoddy work behind and in front of the stumps ?

India deserved to win because they made lesser mistakes in spite of having Sehwag, Bhajji, Ishant and Dhoni on their side. Aussies were beaten by Medical Maladies and not Cricketing Dandies !

Here are the 'Actual Reasons'


1] Rheumatoid Arthritis: Brent Fraser Bowden's peculiar condition that mostly affects the small joints of hands and legs. When Johnson struck Ojha plumb in front of middle stump, 'Poor Billy' just couldn't move his hands in time to show Ojha the 'Crooked Finger'.

By the time he managed to lift his hand, the over-throw by Smith had reached the boundary. Bowden was s--t scared of Jrod going on the rampage again dissecting Billy's Late Out Decision !

2] Lumbago: With a Doctor for father, Laxman knows how to get injured conveniently. For second Test running, he did very little running and managed to keep India in the running till end. Don't be fooled by his 'Nice Guy' looks. He even manipulates the day five pitch. It stops misbehaving when Laxman's wrists start behaving !

3] Gigantism: With a height of nearly 8 feet Ishant Sharma intimidates everyone on ground and even in your drawing rooms. Any length becomes either too short or too long for him. In both knocks he proved 'Size Does Matter'. His second innings bravado was terminated by Gould rather than Hilfenhaus.

4] Delhi Belly: Aussies were obviously affected by Delhi Belly thanks to 'Butter Chicken' of Punjab. This meant they had their hands full of butter and pants full of potty. No wonder they dropped so many catches they would have held on in grade-3 Coma Down under.

5] Amnesia: The pollution in India affects the memory cells of Captain Ponting. He develops Amnesia time and again and he bowls Hussey and bats North. He forgot Philip Hughes existed on this planet.

Many Australians including Jrod want to assassinate Marcus North. I don't blame them. Australian batting goes down South with North ! Any amount of Paine afflicted by later order doesn't compensate for this middle - middle order dud; even the fluke wicket of Tendulkar !

So... Ponting continues the hunt for 'First Frontier' and we can say... Jai Ho !





S-Pun Doctor

Athithi Devo Bhavah !

Athithi Devo Bhavah ! 

Treat the Guest like God !

Sanjay Hazare for Nobel Peace Prize !


Whatever your enemy did to you, forgive them. This is what Jesus Christ said and then still be nice to them said Mahatma Gandhi.

Even though Australia aren't exactly enemies, Indians can't possibly forget what happened Down under two winters ago. Though Symonds and Hayden are happy playing IPL and would be happy if Indians develop amnesia for such a thing; Clarke, Ponting and almost whole list of India batting order remains barring Dada.

What  happened at Mohali this evening can be explained thanks only to this. Captain Dhoni edged an outgoing one from Johnson. Watson picked up one about which he was not sure. It was given to Third Umpire.

Mr. Sanjay Hazare had promptly ruled Hussey not out on day one, when Rahul Dravid was not so sure. What we saw on Television and what the Commentators saw was that Watson picked it up on the bounce. We have yet to ascertain if Mr. Hazare was provided some other footage by Neo Cricket. Only he declared Dhoni out. Harbhajan fell to very next ball.

In one stroke the Test has been declared 'Open' even as India threw the Commonwealth Games Open with grand splendor. This probably is how Mr. Hazare wants to prove to those forever cribbing  Aussies, "Look you nincompoops, this is how we treat our Guests; like Gods".

For all the bad press India got from Australia thanks to Suresh Kalmadi, Sanjay Hazare has restored our faith in Christ and in Gandhi !

Thank You Mr. Hazare !

We strongly recommend you for Nobel Peace Prize and also for the post of the Headman of Indian Tourism Industry. At least this way, Indian Cricket Lovers will not have to suffer you any more !




S-Pun Doctor