Ejaz Butt's Enema for Enemies !

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Pakistan Cricket's Head Butting !

Ejaz Butt, the Head of Pakistan Cricket is a man with a vision and a mission. In fact he also has a machine; to administer 'Enema' to purge all the fecal matter in Cricket created by his enemy, that is India. He is out to cleanse the dirty world of Cricket. Hope what he has done has finally managed to open the eyes of the ICC Bosses.

Mr. Butt was planning to come out in the open with these 'findings' soon. But S-Pun Doctor has managed to catch hold of this valuable information and you are reading it here first, even before Butt could open the enema can.

All the ignoramuses wait. He might come out with more Trumors [True Rumors]. At the end of it all, the Bosses of ICC certainly will say "I See See". Other than the already burgeoning 'Evidences' provided by Mr. Butt, here is a peek into some of the more scandalous findings of Butt's University of Trumor Theories [BUTT].

1] India wants to hide the CWG failure: Whole world knows what a mess India have landed in with the Common Wealth Games. They just want to deflect the attention of the world press from the CWG fiasco. What better way can India devise other than vilify Pakistan ? It is such a shame the world media is targeting the undereducated and underpaid Pakistan players instead of 'Fixing' India, the real culprit. 

2] RAW fomenting problems in Pakistan Cricket: Not satisfied with creating anarchy and engineering floods in Pakistan, India have always tried to undermine Pakistan Cricket since the days of Chatrapathi Shivaji. That is why the poor Pakistani boys lead by the honorable Mohammad Ajmal Kasab decided to attack the CST.

India was responsible for the fights between Zaheer Abbas and Javed Miandad in the 80s. India also created rift between Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis in the 90s. A certain Ravi Shastri and his 'Shaz and Waz show' is a proof for this. RAW actually stands for Ravi And Wasim. But only Ejaz Butt knows this highly secretive Trumor. The recent spat between Mohammad Yousuf and Younis Khan in the new millennium too was sponsored by India. Who was responsible for this ? Refer to Theory No. 3.

3] Sania Mirza is a Mole: A shocking truth is that Sania Mirza is an Indian Mole. She dumped her childhood friend on orders from New Delhi. She enticed an innocent Shoib Malik to get privy to first hand information of Pakistan Cricket. This Match too was Fixed by India.

India had earlier tried the same dirty trick rather unsuccessfully using Maha Apa aka Ayesha Siddiqui and even Sayali Bhagat. Just see how Shoib Malik tried to divide and rule Pakistan Cricket. India have a track record of this kind of 'Reverse Love Jihad'.

We also have to remember Reena Roy who seduced Mohsin Khan and Jemima who did the same to Imran Khan. Never forget the truth that both ladies ditched the gullible Pakistani men once they retired from Cricket. Shoib Malik beware, your turn next !

4] England hosted Pakistan just to defame them: England had just one agenda when they decided to play host to Pakistan's home and away matches; to defame, defile and destroy the beautiful flower that Pakistan Cricket is.

Jealousy thy name is ECB. But why is it ? Simple, England could not digest the fact that Pakistan had won Cricket World Cup and T-20 World Cup long before England. And England wanted to be in the good books of the International Cricket Bully that is India. BCCI actually means Bullying Cricket Countries Internationally.

And the most Sensational Finding... 

5] Sachin Tendulkar's birth was fixed: We know there was a confusion with Sunny Gavaskar's birth. But according to some extremely reliable Trumors, Sachin Tendulkar was actually born of Pakistani parents when they were on a holiday 'Once Upon a time in Mumbai'. The baby was switched by a devious Malayalee Nurse who saw the halo behind the baby's head and a miniature bat in his hands. Thus India had once again robbed poor Pakistan.

That an Indian Blogger has managed to leak even such a top secret matter itself shows how much Pakistan Cricket has been "Fixed" by India !


S-Pun Doctor

A Bicycle Repairer's Shirt Philosophy !

A Bicycle Repairer's take on why Cricketers do what they do !

My Father completed 76 years in June. He wasn't lucky enough to be well educated and retired from his job of repairing bicycles about 13 years ago after some fervent persuasion.

He loves to watch Cricket, like 91.6% of Indians do. He believes Sachin Tendulkar is a Great Player. He knows that Anil Kumble hails from Kumble, a small town on our way from Kochi to Mangalore. Dravid, Ganguly and Sehwag too are his favorites. During the last IPL he had developed a special liking for Yusuf Pathan and Robin Uthappa.

Every white player is a foreigner for him and every black, an African. He hates Pakistan simply because he doesn't have anything or anyone else to hate. He has a tendency to believe Mpofu, Zimbabwe and Mbangwa are some animals from the African continent, but refuses to buy the fact that Cricket is an insect !

When India bat, he keeps asking when is 'That Giant' coming to bat. Giant is Yusuf Pathan for him. He calls Uthappa 'Onion Dosa'. His nickname for Dravid is 'Humble boy'. Kumble is 'Our boy'. Sachin is 'Short boy'. Yuveraj is 'Handsome boy'. But Sehwag has the best nick name, 'Waag'. That is Tiger in our language, Konkani.

He is very fond of Srisanth because he is from our neighborhood. He even went in search of Srisanth's house and returned disappointed because Sri had moved to a different locality. But Srisanth still is a favorite and is called, "Thammanam Express"

Though he does manage to read sports headlines on Indian Express, he waits for the Kannada daily, Udayavani to arrive by post to get 'Authentic' information on everything. And he very faithfully does the 'Breaking News' to me and my mother that India went on to win the match; 3 days after the match.

Virendar Sehwag's quotes after the Randiv no-ball was a hot topic for him while the whole world was busy with some other no-balls bowled elsewhere. He is talking of spot-fixing these days and wants to know how can someone pay so much of money just to bowl a no-ball.

His words have left me shaken, "Don't you think there is a danger of a lot of unscrupulous characters choosing to play Cricket just to be rich in quick time ? There is no way they are going to monitor every ball that is going to be bowled, is there ?". Isn't that scary ?

My father has as much regard for Cricket history as Sehwag has. He just loves to watch Cricket. The bat hitting the ball or the stumps going cartwheeling or the catches being pouched.

The hook or the upper cut look the same to him. He isn't bothered about which way the ball swung as long as the stumps get dislodged when 'Foreigners' or Pakistan bat. Sri Lanka are not an honest team as we believed them to be; he found this out thanks to Udayavani.

He even pronounced a special punishment to Randiv. Someone should bowl a 'no-ball' when Randiv is on 99 and see to it that he misses century. Will Randiv ever manage to reach thus far ? Don't bother !

Third Man is a Man. What is he doing on Cricket field ? And how different is he from Third Umpire ? How does Ganguly's Off-side become On-side for Dravid ? On the field, they are there to your left or right, Right ? So why don't they simply call left side or right side ?

Square leg, fine leg, mid on and mid off are some stupid inanities the commentary people utter. There is a sinister design to all this. They all want to confuse Indian players, nothing more nothing less ! Black, white and brown; all the Umpires are biased and want to declare Sachin out LBW. The damned TV channels show those blue line just to confuse Umpires.

Every other country and all Pakistanis and foreigners are jealous of Indians because India have Sachin Tendulkar and Dr. Vijay Mallya and Mukesh Ambani are very rich. Everyone wants to defeat India by all kind of foul means.

In the background of this knowledge, he joined me to watch the CLT-20 match between Bangalore and Guyana last night. The Bangalore team is owned by one of our own community, Dr. Vijay Mallya. That is an added qualification to root for RCB.

Bored by the poor quality of Cricket by Ramnaresh Sarwan's insipid team, I flipped channels to watch England - Pakistan ODI. What my father noticed during a short period had me stumped. It never occurred to me, he could come out with such wisdom.

After watching the match for about 4 overs, he queried innocently: "Everyone in the 'Foreign' team is 'England' and Pakistan team has K Akmal, Akhter, Umar and many others. Why is that ?". I showed him the English players too had their names lower down on their shirts and said, "England have their country name at the top and player name at the bottom".

My Class 8 learned father persisted with, "But there is no Pakistan on those green shirts; only player names. Why is it ?". Before retiring to his room for the night, he gave a parting shot, "Do you think the 'Foreigners' have more respect for England than the Green Grasshoppers have for Pakistan ? Is it why these guys are sold so easily ?"

Sehwag's Sixer of Aesthetics and Prosthetics !

When most Indians talk Cricket, they talk Sachin. Some wise man once told that there are two kind of batsmen in Cricket; Sachin Tendulkar and Others. 

But at the beginning of the new millennium, a new Phenomenon appeared on the scene. With the helmet on, he looked like Sachin. He walked like Sachin, though marginally taller and played many shots like Sachin. Some people even branded him, "Poor Man's Sachin". 

Today some other people armed with obnoxiously surplus information about Cricket, its aerodynamics and damned statistics have branded this phenomenon greater than the original. I believe it is an unfair comparison.

This phenomenon is quite like Sachin in some methods, but there is a kind of madness to the methods that is unlike Sachin. It can be spicy. It's damn tasty. When on song, it is lilting. But it's crazy and can drive you nuts too. Like the Maggi Tomato Sauce,"It's Different". And that is ... The Phenomenon called Sehwagging !

This Phenomenon has inspired hell of a lot of research and lot more literature. The venerable foul mouth of the Blog-world, Jrod has done an exhaustive study of it and dedicated to the Cricket World, a super hit bestseller [S-Hit in his own language] Sehwagology ! Jrod, like Sehwag, plays 'Cricket with balls' and calls a good ball a bad ball !

The BCCI blog went a step further and Naked Cricket actually enlightened us about Sehwag's Origins. BCCI also presented the Cricket fraternity the first ever Comic book character, the 'Jatman'.

My favorite [but now absconding Som] blogger gave us a view of Sehwag's aesthetic sense. And then he also balanced it with his 'Doosra' view about Sehwag's lack of prosthetic sense. You can't prevent Sehwagging when he isn't sleeping !

His fellow Delhi mate and one time Indian opening partner Akash Chopra can actually see 'Beyond the Blues' and explain why Sehwag is not so hot in the shorter formats of the game compared to his sensational exploits in Test Cricket.

So what does this post want to say other than giving links to some delicious information on Sehwag ? It actually wants to probe into hitherto uncharted territory, probably the Mars ! This wants to know 'What is Sehwag's contribution to Cricket?' Apart from inspiring so much of literature that is.

And here is a random list of Sehwag's Contribution to Cricket: Henceforth to be known as 'Principles of Sehwagging'.

1] Play in the 'V': His name starts with 'V' and he loves to play in the 'V'. Since the Cricket field is a round shaped oval, there are so many 'V's there. Too many of them in fact. He chooses to play in any 'V' depending upon which 'V' is more likely to save him the dirty job of running between the wickets. The 'V' between Third man and Cover Point is his favorite. This V renders other 'V's less bothered.

2] See Ball - Hit Ball: "I am not playing the bowler, but the ball". How true ! His motto can be realigned as 'No See ball - No Hit Ball'. This explains why he does better in Sunny Asian conditions and on bouncy Australian pitches compared to the gloomy English conditions. Another extension of this Philosophy is "See No Ball - Hit No Ball". This can get bowlers suspended !

3] Men don't need a Hook: Hook is a link used to connect two halves of the inner garment used by women to avoid excessive bounce of balls. It has no role in Gent's Cricket. We are wiser today with this knowledge thanks only to Viru-S.

4] History is for books: Cricket History or any history is detrimental to progress. You read them, you'll develop doubts; not to forget the precious time lost in reading. If you don't know history, you will make your own history. Those who make history, don't have time to read history. Too many books and bookies have spoiled Cricket, hence we have to banish them along with Mazar Majeed and if possible Randiv.

5] Listen to your Mother: No Mother other than that of Andrew Symonds [Thanks to Bhajji] has ever been as famous in Cricket Circles as "Sehwag ki Maa". After Amitabh Bachchan of Deewar, Virender Sehwag is the only Man in India whose Mother has inspired a nation on prime-time television.

6] Philosophy is like balls: You need balls to hit balls, because we have to remember everyone has balls ! Viru's tweets for his followers, fans and friends are the flavor of this festive season. Just wonder from where he quotes those quotes from !

Since Viru loves the Sixer, he has forced me to stop here and not bowl a no-ball. As and when he grants me more wisdom, I shall come back with the next 'DLF Maximum'. Till then, just remember this...

V always feel that Life of others is Better than us..!But,v always Forget that v r also ''others'' for someone else...

Bhajji's Quick-Fix Solution for Match-Fixing Malady !

What a relief, Dhoni has reassured the Indian fans that 'Indians will never fix matches'. And his ace off-spinner has gone a step further and issued a mortal threat to anyone who dares to approach him to Fix.

I always believed Bhajji was an innocent chap always sinned against by one and all. The picture is getting clearer now. Here are some of the incidents from the past.

First it was Murali Kartik who asked him at the National Cricket Academy if Bhajji could 'Fix' a leaking tap. The young Sardar heard only the word 'Fix' and slapped Kartik. Both were thrown out of the Academy for no fault of Bhajji's.

The journalist asked him, "Can we Fix an appointment?". Bhajji didn't here the last word and thought here is a fixer in the guise of a journo asking him to Fix a match and took a 'Jab' at him. But the insensitive Electronic media castigated him for this.

The Sreesanth episode too was nothing but a misunderstanding. Sree asked Bhajji, "Sorry Paaji, your team is in a Fix now. Better luck for next match". In the hullabaloo of post-match situation, Bhajji heard only the word 'Fix'. Can't blame him, Mallus have a Fixed accent problem.They distort every single word in English language except the word Fix.

But why did Sreesanth, the aggressive man cry? Was the slap the reason ? No, he cried because he felt let down by his owner. Bret Lee got all the hugs from the Cutie Zinta and all our boy got was bear-hugs from VRV Singh, Karan Goel, Sunny Sohal and so on. And THAT was the reason for his crying !

But it was too late and IPL Bosses suspended poor Bhajji. His fate for that season was thus Fixed. He somehow has received the worst at the hands of Administrators, Umpires, Referees, Journalists and Bishen Singh Bedi. How else can we explain the Senior Sardar branding Bhajji a 'Chucker'?

Bhajji like Muralidharan has a Fixed elbow deformity and a more severe Fixed forearm deformity. He has lived with this handicap and added all those wickets into his Fixed Deposit. Why does Bedi have this 'Fixation' for the angles ? Isn't it enough that Bhajji has his goal firmly Fixed on picking up wickets ?

If not for Sachin the Savior, he would have faced 'Life Ban' in the 'Teri Maanki' scandal. All that was started by Symonds. He began by taunting Bhajji at the behest of Ponting. He said, "Hey bloke, I'll slam you all sixes".

Not yet comfortable with the Aussie accent; Bhajji heard it as, "Hey black, all shame you all Fixers". And he called Symonds' mother to complain about the obnoxious behavior of her son. That Mat Hayden had the temerity to call Bhajji 'An Obnoxious little weed'.

But in spite of all injustices meted out to the innocent, the truth will win at the end. And now we have seen the 'Real Bhajji' standing up and 'Fixing' the Match-Fixing and Spot-Fixing problem forever. If only ICC were to take cue, we have a 'Quick-Fix' solution here ! Are they listening ?