Crick-Veda: Oldest Chronicle on Gentleman's Game !

Disclaimer: I don't belong to RSS / VHP / Bajrang Dal. I am not right-wing Hindu extremist. I am not Francois Gautier. I am not Gurumoorthy. I am not Manoj Kumar. Neither am I Akshay Kumar. I am not a devotee of any Baba including Sai Baba, Rahul Baba, Baba Ramdev and Baba Black sheep. I am not related to any Thakre; living on nonliving. My surname isn't Togadia. I have no religion except Cricket. I don't believe in God, but I believe in Rahul Dravid and I have seen Sachin Tendulkar. The nearest I have felt to divinity was when I saw VVS Laxman on drive Shane Warne through mid-wicket at Eden in 2001. And I believe Virendar Sehwag can save us from Satan by just Upar Cutting him. This post is a work of fiction but that should not be a reason to disbelieve it.

Breaking News... Breaking News... Breaking News...

Cricket is Indian by Origin !

This sensational discovery has rocked the world today and will be remembered as a Red-Letter day. This will change forever, all hitherto held beliefs about Cricket in general and the mankind in particular. During a routine excavation in some undisclosed place in Uttar Pradesh, the ASI has found a huge treasure. That alone wouldn't be so special or sensational. But they have found out a new dimension in the form of a book named Crick-Veda [Krikveda for the Swadeshi brigade], believed to be the long lost and forgotten fifth Veda.

Carbon dating and all kind of authentication tests are being held on this voluminous epic. It is believed to be at least 8000 - 9000 years old. Experts are busy deciphering the text. You are reading this here first because of our close contacts with ASI. Dr. Balls is an insider in ASI and has contacts from bottom to top. Here are some of the salient aspects about the book, brought only to those who follow Doctoring the Balls !!!

What we are going to disclose here is established beyond doubt in this priceless piece of Cricket Testament, ODIment and T-20ment, all compiled together. Cricket was a game, a religion and a way of life in India. It was called Kri karet, which means 'Doing the work'.

It was work as well as worship for the people of India that was Bharat. This emphatically proves Cricket was not a British game as has been claimed so far. Almost every Indian will vouch for this. The British picked up this beautiful game from India just like they picked up spices. We now know why Cricket is so spicy.

Cricket, was played in North Indian heartlands and South Indian paddy fields. The boys and men running in the fields tilled the land [Kri Khet in Hindustani and Kriya Kshetra in Sanskrit] and thus prepared it for watering and subsequent cultivation of crops. This must the earliest known example of business with pleasure. They worked while they played and they played while they worked. What a revolutionary ancestors did we inherit from ! And many people believe Cricket is a lazy game, rubbish !

The extremely talented men of those days used to hit the ball very hard and long and then people used to go in search of the ball. That is how the coinage "Leather hunt" evolved.

Hanumaan was the first ever Cricket-fever stricken boy known from history. He thought the red and shining Sun was a Cricket ball and went to catch it and this evolved into a legend. People misinterpreted it and said he went to pluck a fruit. Absolutely baseless and ball-less. Just look at this illustration, the Sun looks exactly like a Cricket ball shining in the Sun ! And Hanumaan is clearly trying to pick a one handed catch out of thin air. He isn't plucking any fruit out there.

Catch it !

Why did Krishna slay Kaliya the snake ? Because Kaliya refused to return the ball. Krishna and his friends were playing Cricket [Kri Karet in those days] by the Yamuna river bank. A DLF maximum from Krishna went into the river and Kaliya refused to return the ball. Thus their game of Cricket was halted by the mean snake. Hence Krishna had no other option but to slay the stubborn and spoilsport Kaliya to retrieve the ball to continue the game before the Umpires declared bad light. Even today we don't like to be disturbed while we enjoy our Cricket. Be it the snake or the wife.

In one of the most touching chapters, Sage Krikshwamitra explains the relation and differences between Test Cricket, One Day Cricket and T-20 Cricket. He says, T-20 Cricket is like your little daughter. You love her because she is your daughter. She may do childish things and appear juvenile. But you love her because she is your own product. But you have very little chances of recovering lost ground if your daughter gets spoiled, just like T-20 Cricket match. T-20, like your little girl is damn popular with people of all ages because you can carry it around with ease and you won't feel bad if she pees on your laps.

One Day Cricket is like the wife. You can play during day or at night. She is mature, beautiful, enticing and enchanting. You can control a lot of things with her. But you can't keep her switched on forever. Like every wife, she can be demanding. You need to do a lot of running around and be prepared to lose her if your fail with the bat or the ball. Most importantly she is more entertaining at night after you are done with all the work. She comes with a lot of color and cheer.

Test Cricket is without doubt, the Mother. You respect her, revere her, love her and listen to her. You can even fall asleep in her lap and still not miss much. She can go on and on and on for days sounding like a bore. But in the end, you are wiser, stronger and winner if you do the listening and playing properly. Like Mother, Test Cricket gives you more than one chances. Nor one bad over, neither a single bad shot can lose it all for you. And you better show discipline with your Mom, else you will be routed by the forces that guard the earth.

Further evidence from present day analogies: From aesthetics of the variants of the game, Crick Veda moves to the weapons used. The ball was the weapon of the aggressor. The bat belonged to the more responsible defenders. It symbolizes how one can use a weapon for both defensive and offensive purposes. So typically Indian. We just have to look at how Rahul Dravid and Virendar Sehwag use the same weapon to different effects.

India has a tradition of stretching beyond the limits and breaking records. Ram broke the Shiv Dhanush. Sachin has been breaking records ever since he was born. Arjun hit the fish's eye to win over a girl. Yuveraj hits the bill-boards. Karna was the first to show how one can use own body parts as defense tools. Mohindar Amarnath followed suit when he took on all the bouncers on his body without flinching. Krishna said it was fair to be unfair to deal with an unfair enemy. Saurav Ganguly was just equally mean to Australians. There are innumerable revisits.

Let us look at different aspects of the game. Batting was a Royal occupation. They never liked to run. Indian batsmen still don't like to run. Ask Sehwag, Pathan and Yuvi. Bowlers were the Soldiers. They attacked and won over enemies by felling the opponents. Do soldiers get any better than Bhajji, Kumble, Zaheer and Kapil Dev ? Fielding was for kids and the labor workers. Even today, the young and the fringe players field. The rest just rest.

Kri Karet expert from history and the earliest known Sexologist Batsayana has elaborated on the attraction between the Kri Karet Players and the girls and women from the entertainment fields. The singers, actors and dancers of the yore had a very special and enduring liking for the talented and good looking players.

There were so many affairs, courtships and marriages between Kri Karetars and artisans. Urvashi fell for Arjun's looks as well as skills. Seeta, the Princess was bowled over by the record breaking abilities of Ram. Bheem's ability to wield the mace [the first ever Mongoose] won over Hidimba. Nothing has changed in India 8000 years since.

There are millions of illustrations, coaching manuals and extensive records mentioned in Krikveda. We just have provided a sample here. But we promise to come back with entire translation sooner than later. Till then keep pondering over the points mentioned here.

Can all this old world wisdom in Cricket be anything but Indian ?

QED: Cricket is Indian by Origin !

SPun Doctor
Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

Baap of all Cricket Retirements !

Why do I believe Pakistan Cricket has the 'X-Factor' ? Because they have the largest number of 'Ex-Captains' in their team.

Everyone seems to be in a hurry there; to retire, come back, retire again and come back again and then retire finally. Or do they ?

We have retirements, premature retirements, immature retirements and non-retirements. There are much awaited and anticipated retirements like that of Rahul Dravid.

Then of course the extremely catastrophic event of the retirement of Sachin Tendulkar. The fear is looming large. Well of course, that should not be much of a problem if you are a Pakistan supporter.

So finally the day the whole world was fearing about has arrived. No, not Sachin's retirement day. Not even the end of the world, but much larger and infinitely terrible tragedy. An end of an era or say any buffalo dung you like. Shahid Afridi has retired !

But that is old news, some might say. So we will twist it a little bit. Shahid Afridi has re-retired. Now, that sounds better. We can add more 're's as we progress. But wait, has he re-come back ?

It would be unfair to talk only about Afridi. Cricket has evolved from being 'Gentleman's Game' to 'Mental Jam's Game'. Everybody plays 'Mental Games'. Sometimes games and very often just mental. Steve Waugh believed 'Everything was fair in Cricket and War'. Ponting believed nothing was unfair in Cricket and Ashes.

But coming back to Afridi, what is he playing ? Game ? Mental Game ? Mental ? War or plain dumb ? Last heard he is contemplating return to Cricket. I swear on Ijaz's Butt, Pakistan Cricket is a marvel like nothing before and nothing since.

A lot of discussion has already taken place on Afridi's retirement. Enough and more has been said about this re-retirement. But how can I retire without my say ? So I decided to take a random look at retirements of our Cricketers from the past; distant and not so distant.

Don Bradman retired because '99.94 ain't so bad'. It in fact appears a lot sexier than 100 today.

Gary Sobers retired after he found out that he could no longer drive after drinking.

Geoffrey Boycott retired after proving to himself that he was technically a better batsman than Sunny Gavaskar.

Bishan Singh Bedi retired because the butterfly wasn't able to float and the bee wasn't stinging either as Zaheer Abbas and Miyandad made him look ordinary.

Sunny Gavaskar said, "Quit when people ask why rather than when". He retired scoring a tragic 96 in his last test innings and a hundred and a duck in his last first class match. A man of his words.

Mohindar Amarnath retired after he was convinced that nobody will break his record of come-backs. The 'Bunch of Jokers' made his decision easier.

Dilip Vengsarkar retired after the stupid adjudicators gave Man of the Match award to Kapil Dev for taking 434 wickets. There of course was other reason. There was no test to be played at Lords in nearest future at that time.

Kapil Dev retired after Javagal Srinath threatened to retire and Richard Hadlee almost died of boredom waiting for his record to be broken.

Azaruddin retired because of 'Maine match banaaya'. Today, he is playing a different innings in Indian Politics. He is an Icon for the likes of Mohammad Asif, Mohammad Aamer, Ajay Jadeja and Sulman Butt. Politics on either side of Indo-Pak border will not suffer for want of Sportsman Spirit.

Kim Hughes retired in tears. A real tearful adieu !

Alan Border retired because he had scored more runs than Gavaskar.

Manoj Prabhakar was retired by Sanath Jayasuriya.

Ravi Shastri was tired down by his knee and retired by Indian crowds baying for blood.

Sanjay Majrekar was retired by his shoulders. After shouldering arms to all balls outside the off stump in a One day match in the 49th over, he developed a fixed shoulder deformity. He has since proved to be a much better commentator and blogger.

Miyandad retired like only he could; like a street fighter. He fought with opponents, Umpires, Dennis Lillee, Ian Botham, his mother in law and Zaheer Abbas before there was nobody left to fight.

Imran Khan retired because he became bigger than Pakistan Cricket and in one of the proudest moments in Pakistan Cricket, he forgot his team.

Clive Lloyd retired because he had nothing more to achieve as Captain and only a little more in him as batsman.

Vivian Richards retired because he saw the beginning of the end of Caribbean domination.

Richie Richardson retired because he seriously began to believe he was in the wrong team.

Brian Lara retired because nothing else was right and he was left handed and stranded all the time.

Steve Waugh retired because he couldn't have continued for long without facing the risk of axe. He made 'Retirements in Installments' a fashion.

Inzamam ul Haq retired because there was no one left in entire Pakistan who was not run out by Inzy Bhai.

Courtney Walsh retired because people started taking advantage of his magnanimity and started running even before he marked his run up. Once a pair of Australian batsmen actually completed 2 runs before Walsh reached the bowling crease.

Shane Warne retired because 6 weeks of IPL was more lucrative than 1 year of 'Baggy Green'. And he didn't have to slog for ten and a half months. He retired from IPL because he wanted to badmouth a RCA Official in public.

Glen McGrath retired because Warne was retiring and he could no longer dare to predict 5-0 white wash without sounding silly.

Saurav Ganguly retired from International Cricket after scoring a double century because he was 'once bitten, twice shy'. He retired from domestic Cricket and came back to help his team qualify and then re-retired. He again faced the axe in IPL. But the Tiger roared again in IPL-2011 and we are waiting for total retirement.

Younis Khan retired because he couldn't handle the foul smelling posterior that heads Pakistan Cricket. He looks both tired and retired as of now.

Anil Kumble retired because the graceless Cricket fans in India wanted him to and anoint Dhoni the Captain. Why ? They want Dhoni to retire ! Kumble again retired from IPL because even the President of Karnataka State Cricket Association is not allowed to play Cricket in suits.

Muralidharan retired because 800 is a huge number and the ICC rules still don't allow runners for fielders.

But no retirement or re-retirement is quite like that of Mohammad Yousuf / Yousuf Yohana. His was the first retirement that came with a clause and a comma. He retired for the time being ! Later he was re-retired by Selectors. Before that, he retired from his religion. With that he also took retirement from shaving. In between he retired from ICC Cricket and signed up for ICL Cricket. But even before it began, he retired from ICL and wanted to Captain Pakistan. Then he retired as Pakistan Captain and now we don't know. Even he doesn't know if he is retired or is on a come back trail or on a go back trail. Move over Afridi, Yusuf is the most retired man on earth. And his is the 'Baap of all Cricket Retirements' !




SPun Doctor
Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/