The Aussie Annihilation: A Lazy Analysis !

Returning to "Doctoring the Balls" after the longest hiatus of almost half an year. It wasn't as if I was too occupied or had lost interest. It was just that I was lazy to compile a blog-post and was satisfied with short comments on the Social Media. Here I am just compiling some of them together; my take on the Annihilation of Aussies !

Chennai:

India's Opening pair reminds me so much of "Sholay". We have a Viru and a Vi-Jay and then there is a Coin Toss Dhoni NEVER wins !

Exasperated with the Aussie tail bothering our bowlers, Bhajji has declared, "India should ban wickets 8 / 9 / 10 or take them at the beginning of the innings !"

The Chennai pitch where India scored 572 and their last 3 wickets added 200 in less than 50 overs is a bonafide dodgy subcontinental minefield of a track not suitable for Test Cricket !

Question: What did Nathan tell Sachin Tendulkar that upset his rhythm before his fall ?
Answer: Saaraa shehar humen Lyon ke naam se jaanta hai !

Virat is now definitely ready to carry the burden of nation. Well deserved century ! 

 

Jadeja getting so much turn and 3 wickets on day-1 of a test means just one thing. This test might end before lunch on day-4, if not earlier !

 

Hyderabad:

 

The theme at Hyderabad was: Kai Po CHE ! 

 

Clarke survived a very close LBW of Jadeja. So Jaddu boy decided to take the law into his own hands and bowled him now ! 

 

Clarke gambled by declaring with 1 wicket still left. But Dhoni is a Master of the Gamble: He sent 2 Night Watchmen to Open !

 

Shane Watson's wife gives birth to their first child. Likely to be named Powerpoint Presentation-1 ! 

 

Michael Clarke will get out in all possible ways to Jadeja before the end of this series !

 

Ravindra jadeja should be immediately appointed Honorary Manager of all Government offices. He knows how handle Clarkes !

 

Cheteshwar Pujara and Murali Vijay have beaten Australia by an innings at Hyderabad !

 

Of the 4 suspended Australian players, only one is a Man [Usman]. Rest all are Sons [Watson, Pattinson, Johnson] !

 

If coach were to ask Bhajji to make a presentation, he'd've given him a glittering 'gift wrapped' "Presentation !" 

 

Haddin going to India: He is expected to Wade through troubled waters !

 

Mohali:

 

India's Population Control Board must hire M S Dhoni's services. He can eliminate many with his ways at the crease during tight chases !

 

Mickey Arthur has ordered Phil Hughes to buy a Pup or Dog that can eat his homework before the second innings !

 

Rajeev Shukla was quoted as, "Shikar Dhawan is the best thing to have happened to Indian Cricket since Rahul Gandhi !"

 

Inspired from the famous Bachchan dialoguie from "Sharaabi": "Mooche Ho to ho Shikhar Dhawan jaisi, Nahin to naa ho !"

The Hundred Man and the Twirling Mustache

End of the road for the Viru-Gauty ? Too early to write them off but Dhawan, Vijay success means a happy Dhoni sans the Delhi-Bully gang !

 

Delhi:
 

Dhoni has won everything in this series except toss !

 

Jadeja will get two wickets lesser in Delhi test thanks to Clarke !

 

Jadeja can't give up on Australian Captains. Clarke nahin toh Watson sahi !

 

Jadeja completes an over in the time that Ishant takes to push back his hair into place !

 

Will Ojha spend 1 year on 99 ala Tendulkar ?

 

We soon might have ads like "This ball of the over sponsored by...blah blah" on NEO Prime TV !

 

I wonder why they didn't send Ajinkya Rahane to open. He has enough experience opening; the drinks bottles !

 

Indian middle order is like our bureaucracy. They sit in AC and order around. We people know they won't but we still expect them to deliver the goods !

  

Australia missed Clarke the bowler than the batsman. Jadeja too missed him, but the batsman !

 

Australia Captain Clarke has ''Declared'' they can take pride over the fact that India couldn't bowl them out 8 times in the series !

No more performance related worries for Mrs. Che Pujara !

Che Pujara's wife is totally satisfied and extremely happy with his performance !

 

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Astrology, Feng Shui and Selecting Team India

Breaking News...

The BCCI has disbanded the recently reconstituted BCCI Selection Committee with immediate effect. Mr. Sandeep Patil and Co have received the marching orders and a brand new Selection Committee with high profile "Specialist selectors" has been constituted. The regional quota has been disbanded for good.

Mr. Sreenivasan gave brief introduction of the new selection committee members. The photographs have been withheld due to the inauspicious period prevailing according to the adverse planetary positions and will be made public once the stars are favorable.

The list of Selectors

Sri. Guruvayoor Somasekhara "Kalimuthu" Panicker Avargal: A prominent practitioner of the famous South Indian black magic hails from a village near Madhurai in Tamil Nadu and he will be the Chief of Selectors. Though originally from Guruvayoor in Kerala, Sri. Panicker has vast knowledge of South Indian black magic. He will target the key players from opposition camps and make them ineffective against India with his Tantra Kriya and Shatru Paraajaya Kriya. It was with his help that CSK tamed Chris Gayle in the 2010 IPL Final. It is believed that Mr. Sreenivasan had employed the expertise of Sri. Panicker to fix Mr. Jagmohan Dalmiya to Kolkotta.

Sri. Vijaylal Dhambi: An expert in planetary positions, he will decide which player has the best possibilities to succeed in a given match. He will be in charge of major selection decisions. His first reaction to his appointment is positive. He said, "Dhoni's Rahu is in south west position and that has brought a lot of bad luck". He also has advised BCCI to use golden coins for toss in future since steel is unlucky metal for Dhoni.

Smt. Sithaa Dhyaan: The famous tarot card reader and expert palmist will assist in finalizing the playing 11 during every match. She will also assess which player should bat at which number. She is the first and the only lady Selector and this is a revolutionary step taken by the BCCI. Ms. Dhyaan had rightly predicted India would win the 2011 World Cup only if Dhoni bats at No. 4. Her husband Mr. Dhyanchand Trivedi vouches for this. He added, "She also had predicted that Dhoni will hit the winning shot and that will be a six"

Sri. Pushpak K. Rajeev: The famous Numerologist will decide on the lucky jersey number for each and every Indian player. The players will be contractually bound to wear the jersey number selected by him so that their chances of winning matches increase infinitely. He emphatically stated that his status as the leading Numerologist in India was enhanced after he changed his name from Pushpakumar Rajeev to Pushpak K. Rajeev. As a token of his service, he claims Sachin Tendulkar will be luckier and will score another 25 hundreds if he changes his name to Sachchin Tenndullkarr !

Sri. Khurram Buildingwaalah: The internationally acclaimed exponent of "Integrated Vastu and Feng Shui Science" will be the fifth selector. He will advise players to sit in appropriate positions and also decide on field positions. He is of the firm opinion that India's bowling and fielding lacked sting due to poor Feng Shui positioning. Proper practice will help them to bowl and field better. He will also examine the houses of all Indian players and suggest corrective measures to avoid evils of poor Vastu. He shot to fame after he suggested a favorable Vastu position to Yeddiyurappa in his jail cell. Mr. Yeddiyurappa managed to get bail after following Sri Buildingwaala's advice.

Sri. Sanjay Manjrekar: He will be the only Cricketer in the new selection committee and has been selected for his ability to face players with a straight face after writing or talking shit about them. Those he believes to be unfit will be given preference in selection after consulting the other 5 selectors.

Mr. Sreenivasan was quoted, "India will henceforth win all tournaments and test matches. We are confident that the new committee will do a very good job. All of them will select the team for the next series from the Holy Hills of Tirumala"

Captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni has hailed the BCCI decision as the right decision in the right direction. He said...

SPun Doctor

Generous Dhoni, Talented Rohit and the Lesser Mortals !

One Day International Matches: 21, 10, 33, 15, 0, 4, 68, 5, 0, 0, 4, 4
T-20 International Matches: 0, 4*, 1*, 55*, 1

These are Rohit Sharma's returns from International matches in 2012. He averages overall 17 runs per dismissal. In T-20, it is 30.5 thanks to a 55 not out but in ODI Cricket, it is a pathetic 14 runs.

Manoj Tiwari has scored a hundred and a 65 in the 8 matches he has got to play. He has a 4 wicket haul in the only match he failed with the bat in 2012. In that match, he made 21 which was 8 more than the total number of runs Rohit Sharma scored in the entire series.

Mahendra Singh Dhoni is obviously a generous man. His selectors have been more generous than that. He gives chance after chance to Rohit in the name of promise and talent. One or two failures and Yusuf Pathan gets thrown out. Forget Yusuf, Manoj Tiwari today, is the MOST WRONGED man in Indian Cricket.

For Dhoni, Rohit Sharma with 225 runs in 17 innings in 2012 is more important to the team than Virendar Sehwag who scored 219 runs in just one ODI innings in December 2011. In spite of all the attitude issues and ego clashes, preferring Rohit over Viru is criminal to put it mildly.

But even if Sehwag gets omitted on form, doesn't that rule apply to Rohit too ? Why different yardsticks for Rohit, Viru and Tiwari ?

We have seen how Piyush Chawla and Ravindra Jadeja have managed to sneak into the team in spite of continued non-performance. One success and he tends to keep them forever and just a couple of below par show and the lesser mortals get the 'axe effect'

But what is insidious and more evil is the way Dhoni is gradually demolishing Irfan Pathan. He somehow has a serious dislike for the name Pathan. After completely demolishing Yusuf Pathan, he has now taken up the job to finish off the half brother.

If he has so much faith in Rohit Sharma, why not send Rohit to open ? He is a top order batsman and has opened before. Why make Irfan a sacrificial lamb again ? Indian Cricket fans haven't forgotten how Greg Chappelle demolished Irfan by making him do too many things.

Irfan is NOT Shane Watson. He is a bowling All-rounder. He has won some crucial matches batting at 7 or 8. By forcing him to open, Dhoni is killing him again. Irfan doesn't know what is expected of him.

Mr. Dhoni, for the sake of the millions of fans who adulate your team, please stop this game of politics and ego. Your ego trip with Viru is YOUR problem. Stop destroying a precious talent who has found some kind of confidence after a long hiatus !

And can we hope for a reply for a set of questions ?

How many matches will Rohit get to play on much publicized talent after scoring just one 50 ?
How many matches will Tiwari get to warm the benches after every successful performance ?

Knowing you, Mr. Dhoni, we don't expect an answer. You have become the Dictator and you will end up demolishing this team. Unfortunate !


SPun Doctor

Unmukt Chand and the Recalcitrant System !

Where is India ?

What we see is the Final Medals Tally of  London Olympics 2012. India's place in the list was a glorious 55th out of 204 nations that participated. If we take out the No. 2 placed China, India's population is larger than the total of all the other nations in this list put together.

The other 149 nations below India don't even count when it comes to economic and political muscle power India is capable of wielding. But we were happy and celebrating an all time best medals tally. India is the ONLY country that believes in the "Spirit of Olympics". Participation and not winning is important !

Suresh Kalmadis, All India Lawn Tennis Association, Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupati and all the corruption have played their role to perfection in undermining India on the international sports arena.

But have we ever realized the BIGGEST and WORST Culprits responsible for India's pathetic performances in sports ? Go nowhere, we just have to look into the mirror.

The Principal of St. Stephens College, Delhi is but one among us. He or she is not an exception, but the rule in this country. That person did what most of us do directly or indirectly. How many of us stand up and support our kid when the child shows inclination towards sports ?

He could beat Australia but not Indian Colleges !

Unmukt Chand is not your average Cricket crazy teenager who neglected his studies. He is an intelligent and hard-working boy with immaculate habits and heavy vocabulary. If he was short on attendance, he had extremely valid and respect-worthy reasons. He lost out to the college authorities even after taking legal recourse.

Any college in a sensible world would have bent over backwards to accommodate his needs, but not St. Stephens. Never and not even for the U-19 Cricket World Cup winning Captain. Welcome to India, we are serious about manufacturing nerds, Doctors, Engineers, Accountants and people to serve the other countries. Sports is not on our agenda.

In a country ruled by Cricket and not the silent Prime Minister, the Under-19 World Cup winning Captain gets treated so shabbily. The same Principal would have allowed the Union leaders with political clout to write examinations.

If a Cricketer with such credentials has to suffer this, imagine the plight of other sports-persons. They probably would be rusticated for shortage of attendance. As long as such a system prevails, India will remain at 55 or slide further down south on the Olympic Medals tally.

So what do we call the system ? In Unmukt Chand's own style, "Recalcitrant Authoritarianism that has become Redundant for the Student Faculty and is Undermining Sports, thus making ourselves Superfluous on the International Sports arena" !



SPun Doctor

Che, Virat and the Essence of Life !

An old quotable quote goes like, "Those worried about what would happen to next generation should stop worrying. The next generation will grow up and start worrying about next generation". Quite right !

In 1987, when Sunil Gavaskar retired, everyone was asking, "After Sunny, who ?" This was the worry on the minds of every Indian Cricket fan. We had Mohammed Azaruddin followed by Sachin Tendulkar, Rahul Dravid, Saurav Ganguly, VVS Laxman, Virendar Sehwag and Gautam Gambhir. An entire golden generation of batting stalwarts.

Today, Dada Ganguly is long gone. The Wall retired before the season began and VVS has hung his wrists at the beginning of the ongoing series. A lot of people would love to see Sachin Tendulkar bat till he is 100. But he has to go sooner than later. For all the doubters, there have always been people like me, who believed everyone including Tendulkar will some day be replaced.

The recent humongous exploits of Virat Kohli in ODI Cricket and the wonderful century of Cheteshwar Pujara at Hyderabad has once again proved this as a fact of life.

Are they talking about next generation ?

India's batting is in safe hands. It always will be. Retiring now won't be selfish Mr. Tendulkar but fairly appropriate. If you retire before a tough tour of Australia or South Africa, then THAT would be considered selfish.

10 - 12 years from today, Cricket lovers in India will be worried, "Who after Che, Virat and Co ?"

Sahir Ludhiyanvi's Classic Poetry immortalized by Khayyam's music and Mukesh's voice quite sums up the essence of life. Time and tide truly wait for none and all of us will become history someday. Yes, even Usain Bolt, Rajnikanth and Sachin Tendulkar !

मुझसे पहेले कितने शायर आये और आकर चले गए
कुछ आहें भर कर लौटगए कुछ नाघ्मे गाकर चले गए
वह भी एक पल का किस्सा थे, मै भी एक पल का किस्सा हूँ
कल तुमसे जुदा हो जाऊंगा वह आज तुम्हारा हिस्सा हूँ !

कल और आयेंगे नाघ्मों की खिलती कलियाँ चुननेवाले
मुझसे बहेतर कहेनेवाले तुमसे बहेतर सुननेवाले
कल कोई मुझको याद करे, क्यूँ कोई मुझको याद करे
मसरूफ ज़माना मेरे लिए क्यूँ वक़्त अपना बर्बाद करे ?



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The Wrists that launched a Thousand Flicks !

What do I feel now ? When I saw Yahoo headline, "VVS Laxman retires..." I thought he would do it after the New Zealand series. But it went on "... with immediate effect" !

Well, his timing never deserted him. He said he is making way for the younger generation. What better way than give them the cushion of playing on home soil ? Salutes to Laxman for being VVS !

The Gods of Eden !

People are writing a lot of wonderful things about Laxman. I am not as gifted with words. So I have to do it my way. What do I think now ? What all things come to my mind now ? I can write a thousand things, but will settle for 10 things that come straight from the heart !

281 and Eden: The Best Ever Cricket Innings by an Indian !

Wrists: That on-drove Shane Warne through mid-wicket !

Flicks: That gave us so many kicks as he batted along with the "Wall" of bricks !

Gentleman: Who enthralled us with his wrists, smile and magnificent demeanor !

VVS: Very Very Slow, Very Very Silent, Very Very so many more things yet he'll forever be remembered as Very Very Special !

Tail: There may be many who can be branded Talisman in Indian Cricket. But there was only one Tailsman; VVS Laxman.

ODI: He was a gentleman who didn't believe in one night or rather one day stands and hence never really flicked or clicked in ODI Cricket.

Fourth Innings: If VVS joins the Commentary team on any channel after retirement, the program will thenceforth be known as "Tail-lines from the Fourth Innings".

Australia: 18 August will henceforth be celebrated as Independence day in Australian Cricket. Now they are forever free from the tyrannical artistry of VVS !

Finally... 

Artistry: What do we call a book on the batting artistry of VVS ?
"The Wrists that launched a Thousand Flicks !"



#SPun Doctor

Random Cricket Headlines !

This is Radio Doctoring the Balls 99.99. Cricket Headlines brought to you by Dr. Balls.

Shahid Afridi didn't announce retirement from any form of Cricket today.

Sachin Tendulkar's legs were not trembling when he registered his first vote in the Rajya Sabha because Shoaib Aqtar was not present in the house at that time. Shahid Afridi has confirmed this report.

Kevin Peitersen has appointed Shahid Afridi as his 'Retirement Coach' and Mohammed Yousuf will act as a Consultant on retirement plans.

On grounds of anonymity, a BCCI insider has confided to Dr. Balls that Gautam Gambhir lost his Vice-Captaincy not on disciplinary grounds. Since GG is actually 2G, the BCCI patronized by Sharad Pawar didn't want to be seen promoting anything even remotely related to 2G.

What do the juniors in Team India call Sehwag behind him ? Virus [Viru S] !

Former Australia Captain Ricky Ponting's Biography has been titled, "Rickypedia". The contents have been kept top secret. But Dr. Balls promises to bring out a preview even before it is written and plans to call it, "Rickyleaks".

Amnesty International is not amused because Kapil Dev has joined Rapidex advanced English speaking course to understand the meaning of Amnesty !

After injuries to two international Wicket-keepers Mark Boucher and Kumar Sangakkara, Pakistan fans sincerely hope they'll be third time lucky with Kamran Akmal aka Kakmal.

India and Sri Lanka have decided not to play another 5 match ODI series in near future. Sri Lanka because they fear Virat Kohli will become the first ever player to score 100 centuries against same team and India because BCCI saw too many empty stands during the last series.

Manoj Tiwari says, 'You improve mentally when you are a part of Team India'. What he means is when you compete with reservation candidates like Rohit Sharma, your performance is bound to improve.

Pakistan offers to play their home series against India in India.

Mahindra set to sponsor Sri Lanka Premier League. Sri Lankan fans fear it is Rajapaksa and Indian fans believe it is their own Captain Cool Dhoni. 

Tiwary is a serious contender for a regular place in ODI team: says Coach Fletcher. Rohit Sharma runs crying to Dhoni and is pacified by the Captain saying, "Don't worry, we can always REST Viru Sehwag".

After Andrew Strauss dropped himself down the order during second test, Alistair Cook was heard telling his mates, "We'd be better off if he drops himself from the team". Broad has declared all this as baseless.

And finally the tail-line:
Away from Cricket, though Mary Kom apologized to the nation for not bringing the Gold, she has reasons to cheer. Manappuram Gold Loan people have expressed willingness to sanction Gold Loan against her bronze medal so that she can buy LPG cylinders in her state.

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