Debacle Down Under: Postmortem of a White Wash !

Since the people who have scripted great overseas triumphs are already back in the hut, we can assume India will lose the Adelaide test by more than 250 if not 300 runs. So let me do the postmortem of the series straightaway. I am in a hurry and want to do it before anyone else does it.

There are too many people to take things seriously and work on strategies for revival of Team India. Hence let me take a look at the lighter side of the battle 'Agneepath' that never was.

Ravichandran Ashwin, the only Indian face that was available for post-match meet the press throughout the tour gives us the detailed report. "Here are the reasons for the debacle", said Ashwin ,"Pick your choice".

1] BCCI: hasn't delivered on the promises made to players after our World Cup win. Most of us were not even born when India won the Cup last time. So we expected better treatment from the Board. We sent a warning during West Indies tour by not attempting a win in the third test. BCCI didn't heed the warning and thus it is 8-0 overseas now. We aren't embarrassed because what else can we do to show our displeasure ?

2] Poonam Pandey: is worse than the BCCI. She too has deceived us. She failed to keep her promise to strip if we won. Team India have thus decided to strip ourselves of all that we held when we won the World Cup on 2 April 2011.

3] Anna Hazare: is an honest man and needs the support of every Indian including Team India. Hence we  want to support Anna Hazare on his demand for a strong 'Jan Lokpal' bill. Till the 'Bill' is passed, we promise we wouldn't win a single match offshore.

4] Brahmagupta, Aryabhata, Mayans or to whomsoever it may concern: Those who invented 'Zero' are responsible for the sorry plight of Indian Cricket today. Had it not been invented, we wouldn't be having 10. Thus Tendulkar and in turn an entire nation wouldn't have been burdened by the number 10 times 10 that is 100.

5] Clarke: Average Indians are tormented by the omnipotent, bribe seeking Clerk in Government offices. Being 'true blue' Indians, we too have a mental clock against anything that remotely sounds like Clerk. That is why they simply can't get Clarke out of our system !

6] The Off Stump: is where all the problems lie because it is always off and never on. It so terribly disturbs us Indians and we end up groping all over.

7] The Umpires and Referees: They simply didn't cheat or target us this time. There was no fighting spirit because both the irritant [Symonds] and the galvanizer [Bhajji] were not there this time. We never draw first blood you see, we always avenge atrocities; real or imaginary.

8] The World Cup of woes: It isn't our fault. It is just history repeating itself. We have heard India lost badly even at home after winning the World Cup in 1983. We have lost only away and not at home. Nobody is ashamed in the dressing room because everyone is wearing at least underwear. And none of us have taken off the shirt and swung it wildly like some of our detractors did in the past.

9] Seniors: have guided us well as to how to handle defeat. Once we know how to handle that, we will be able to handle everything in life. The seniors just want us to get used to this feeling before they leave. After winning and being No. 1 team for almost 2 years, they didn't want all the blame to fall on us juniors when they quit and we suddenly start to lose. They are magnanimous and have copped all the criticism.

10] Juniors: have always believed failure is the stepping stone to success. We will come out stronger. You can already see the signs of that in Umesh and Virat's performances. We all know it can't get any worse, so only way from here is upwards and we will rise from the Ashes, oops Thrashes !

The Positives !

Well of course, now I will have to meet my CSK Captain, I mean India Captain Dhoni to find out if all these reasons are enough or we need to formulate more. So kindly excuse me. I will come back with more if you people are not satisfied.



SPun Doctor
Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

BCCI Agenda for Resurrection of Cricket !

Team India Down Under, Down Under: How to lift them up ?

Team  India's worst tour of Australia is on and things are getting worse by the day. Let us look at the pre-tour hype and the situation that prevailed and then how things have unfolded since the fall of Tendulkar at the fag end of day-2 at Melbourne. From 214/2, India have just withered away and wilted.

Australia were in dire straits. They were beaten by New Zealand and were bowled out for 48 by South Africa very recently. Ponting and Hussey have been out of form for longer than anyone could care to remember. They were going to miss the Iconic All-rounder Shane Watson and Pat Cummins from the beginning. Harris and Marsh missed half of the test and then James Pattinson got injured. Thus good number of cream of the present Aussie team have missed the major part of Cricket that has been played so far.

India on the other hand were in full strength with the exception of Praveen Kumar. So this was touted as India's best chance to win a test series down under. But what has happened how ? First test was lost on day 5, second on day 4 and third within minutes of lunch break on day 3. At this rate, the Adelaide test might get over on day-2. Srikkanth is totally devastated and Dhoni has declared himself to be the main culprit. The BCCI believes the performance has not been up to the mark.

Hence a very high level meeting of the BCCI, Selectors and former players was held. Since it was to be a high level and top secret meeting, it was held at Siachen Glacier. Whatever happened in the meeting has been recorded in the minutes. But all that can't be divulged. BCCI has come out with an agenda for the resurrection of Team India and the fortunes of Indian Cricket. And the document has been forwarded to ICC.

The 10 point agenda the BCCI has approved for the rejuvenation of Cricket.

01] Ghaas Poos is serious health hazard: The main problem seems to be Indians are allergic to grass and that hampers their performance seriously. Hence no grass should be allowed to exist on any pitch where India have to play. Even Ivan Lendle had declared, "Grass is for cows". Indian players are not cows, they are Tigers. Tigers at home to be precise. So henceforth ICC should make sure that a herd of cows is deployed at all venues where Team India are to play test matches. The grazing cows will ensure the pitch will be devoid of grass. And all the hoof marks will makes sure our spinners can get purchase from day one. 

02] Speed Breakers: We all know speed thrills but it also kills. All the speed bowling in England and India has almost killed Indian Cricket. ICC 'must' realize almost two thirds of revenue filling the ICC coffers comes from Indian Cricket, if not three fourths. If Indian supporters stop watching Cricket, ICC can shut shop. So all fast bowlers operating against India 'must' be fitted with speed-breakers with immediate effect. None should bowl faster that 125kmph or whatever is the average speed at which Vinay Kumar bowled in the previous match; whichever is slower. 

03] Three day Tests: When India travel abroad, all tests should be restricted to just 3 days and not 5 days. We first have to give them a realistic chance to draw a test before we can think of winning again. And during these 3 days, lunch break should be extended to 90 minutes and tea break to 30 minutes. The breaks happen to be the best part of tests played by India these days, because no wickets fall during these period. This also ensures a lot more scope for advertizements and that means more money for ICC. 

04] No Slip ups please: "Indian batsmen are like faithful husbands, they perform only at home", tweeted Poonam Pandey. But an insider from Team India camp on conditions of anonymity has declared, "Indian players are disappointed that Poonam has not kept her word of stripping if India won the World Cup. Hence they are disappointed". The faithful husbands that they are, they hate all the gossiping by the Aussie wicket-keeper and slip fielders. Hence no slip fielders should be allowed to stand within the 30 yard circle when Indian 'Top Order Batsmen' bat. 

05] Field restrictions: It has been noticed by BCCI that too many fielders are seen in the field blocking his shots when Rahul Dravid is batting. Though that is distracting him, the gentleman has never complained. But it is distracting him and he is falling over his own feet to be bowled again and again and then again. So he should be allowed to make 3 changes in the field when he bats. He is the first and only Indian to support the lie-detector test suggested by ICC. Hence he should get this privilege to place 3 fielders of his choice anywhere he wants to. That could even be the dressing room. 

06] Save Tigers Campaign: Tigers and Indian batsmen have many things in common. The main thing in common is both are endangered species. Whole world is campaigning to save tigers. We advocate with equal fervor for a campaign to save our 'Tigers at home'. Henceforth, Team India should be allowed to play all away tests in India. To differentiate home and away tests, ESPN-Star Sports will telecast 'away series' and any channel chosen by BCCI will telecast home matches. This is more than enough for people to differentiate a home and away series. 

07] The Demons to be exorcised: Some channels believe there are demons in the mind of Sachin Tendulkar that are preventing him from scoring the hundredth ton. Those demons seem to be affecting the entire team too. Whatever has to be done to exorcise the demons must be done and an away series against Bangladesh followed by one against Zimbabwe should be arranged; both to be played in India. Once he gets his century of century, all the pressure will be off and Indians can get back to the business of playing Cricket. 

08] Benefits of IPL not being utilized: IPL is a magnificent event with a lots of glamor, lights, action, champagne, cheer girls, beer girls and Vijay Mallya. But what is the use ? Many of these selfish English and Australian Cricketers avoid IPL and concentrate only on their national teams. This is making Test Cricket a lopsided contest. Poor selfless Indians are toiling to play IPL, CL-T20, ODIs, Tests and if they get spare time, they also play Cricket with kids and Moms in the rain. They do all this even at the cost of West Indies tour. These selfish guys like Clarke and Cook should be immediately made to sign up for IPL. If they don't relent, they should be barred from playing international Cricket. We believe in providing everyone with a level playing field with lots of cracks in the pitches and no grass as mentioned earlier. 

09] Word Cricket means India: Today, World Cricket and even the 'Word' Cricket means India. We don't have to elaborate on this. If India go on getting humiliated like this on every tour and end up at the bottom of the table, people of India will give up on Cricket as Rahul Dravid rightly suspects. That means Cricket will be dead. Hence we must ensure Team India get enough chances to win and our Tigers get to feast on runs. Hence not only Zimbabwe and Kenya but UAE, Nepal, Bhutan, Afghanistan, Scotland, Greenland and every land possible should be given Test status immediately so that there are enough teams to be beaten by India. We suspect Ireland might turn out to be dangerous, hence it is better to avoid them. 

10] Final nail: DRS, Hawk eye, Eagle eye, Umpires, Third Umpires and Match Referees; all these entities have conspired to undermine Indian Cricket over the years. Hence in the larger interest of saving Cricket, the entire responsibility of running Cricket administration should be immediately handed over to an able body with 'rich' experience. Since we see nobody 'richer' than the BCCI, we deem it fit that the ICC must be immediately handed over to IPL Governing body to 'enrich' Cricket !

We believe all these measures will help in reaping short term as well as long term benefits for the financial security of Cricket. Hence ICC should follow these guidelines with immediate effect.


Signed/-


BCCI
IPL Governing body
Indias Selectors
Former Players
Team India [Signed from Go karting club in Perth]


Copy to all Cricket fans.




SPun Doctor
Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

Hunt for the Hundred and the Weight is Over !

Hundred and beyond; A preview of the aftermath of Sachin's 100th 100 !

His first international Century took a long time to come and the hundredth is taking it's own bitter time. The diehard Cricket Romantics expected an Indian win lead by Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar scoring his ton of tons in the World Cup final against Sri Lanka. Alas, that was not to be.

Since then, it has become a national obsession and even many Australians want the celestial event to happen in Australia. A TV News Channel went to the extent of dissecting the Demons in Sachin's mind. The 'Sachin ke Dimag me Shaitan' show on India TV must be rated the most obnoxious ever.

Demons in the God's Mind ?

These days, Anna Hazare stops his fast and Rakhi Sawant doesn't want to marry Baba Ramdev when Tendulkar is batting. The inmates of the Bigg Boss' house don't fight or flirt and even the evil mothers-in-law in those innumerable Saas-Bahu serials relax their scheming towards the hapless daughters-in-law.

That is the only time when Manmohan Singh isn't pestered by opposition to open his mouth. As SRT opens his account with a dab to point, Sachinists, Commentators, Comment-Tweeters and all and sundry jobless humanity begins the count down, 99...98...97... Simply put, the Century number Century becomes the most important issue in India. More important than Jan Lokpal, Inflation, Mamta's tantrums, Mayavati's elephants and Kapil Sibal's wisdom put together.

It is almost certain that everyone worth a public profile on Facebook or an @Iamimportant Twitter-arm  is ready with their piece of sound-byte on the Celestial event and are waiting to pour out as and when and if it happens. Dr. Balls always had this intuition to predict future and read minds and here he comes with a list of "Who would say what" !

Manmohan Singh: People told I am a weak and meek PM and I have shown them what I can do and Sachin has shown what he can do. Errr, Excuse me, Madam is going to talk now. I will talk to you after that if she allows me to...

Sonia Gandhi: My family has sacrificed for the independence of India and today, an Indian has managed to reach a height never attained before only because of those sacrifices. I congratulate my late Mother-in-law and my beloved husband Rajiv on this great moment. Nothing would have been possible without their dedication and sacrifices.

Rahul Gandhi: There are two Indias out there. Those who can score centuries and those who cannot even score a single run. Uncle Diggi says, we have to be ashamed of ourselves that nobody from UP has managed to score even one century in a long time and a Mumbai bred man scores 100 of them. This is what we call unequal India. Diggiji also says, we must stop Sachin from scoring any more centuries till someone from UP scores at least one century.

Digvijay Singh: There is a definite Right-wing Hindu Extremist conspiracy here. We all know Golvalkar was a communal RSS leader. Then it was Gavaskar, Vengsarkar, Shivalkar, Kanitkar, Achrekar, Agarkar and Prabhakar. And today we have Tendulkar, another Maharashtra Hindu getting all the praise. The minority batsmen have to get 33% reservation in the team. Congress party alone, under the able leadership of Sonia Gandhiji gave support to a Muslim batsman in Azaruddin. Our future Prime Minister Rahulji also wants more and more minorities and lower caste people to score centuries.

Raj Thakre: This is a proud moment for 'Marathi Manoos' in general and for Mumbai in particular. We want all taxi drivers to compulsorily change the names of their taxis to Sachin Tendulkar Taxi. Those who don't do, will be deported to UP and Bihar. And all Bangladeshis should go back to Bangladesh immediately. Because of them, we don't have place to celebrate this great achievement because they are occupying all of Mumbai.

Sharad Pawar: Me, my family, the BCCI, my party, the UPA Government and all of India join to congratulate Sachin on this record. To all those who doubted his ability to achieve this, this is a resounding slap on the face [OMG, what did I say...]

Kapil Sibal: 100 centuries is not exactly 100 centuries. I can prove to you that it is much more than that. It can be even less than that. We have to give enough weight to the variable inflation rate when we consider the number of centuries. I will ask our IIM Gurus to dig deep into this matter and we will come out with a detailed report soon.

Mayavati: Who is Sachin Tendulkar ? He has done nothing for the Bahujan people of Uttar Pradesh or India. There is not even a single statue of Sachin Tendulkar in UP. So he is not important. If he donates even ten percent of his earnings to poor people of UP, we can construct more statues of Mayavati and elephants all over UP.

Anna Hazare: Just 100 centuries is nothing. We have Politicians who have amassed hundreds of crores and that is why we need a strong Lokpal bill. We will invite Sachin Tendulkar to join us for the fast to press for the bill. He will bat a whole day without taking breakfast, lunch, drinks and tea as part of the protest.

Krishnamachari Srikkanth: Bloody-shit-it-is-over-at-last. Oh-no-I-am-a-cheap-selector-and-not-supposed-to-say-that. Well-it-all-sounds-like-dream-come-true. Anyway-this-should-be-new-year-gift-to-all-Indians-feeling-bad-about-India-losing-all-those-tests-by-big-big-margins.

Sunil Gavaskar: Records are meant to be broken. But this little Genius has created so many records, it is hard to imagine someone some day overtaking all his records. He should have got more than these hundred hundreds. Taking into account all those 80s and 90s he has made, he would have had nothing less than 125 centuries by now. But this still is 100 times magnificent.

Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Well of course, we all know he had scored 99 hundreds and if he could do that, sooner or later he would score the hundredth one too. He had scored the hundredth run 99 times before and we were quite confident he would do it one more time. It all fell in place and we can't forget the contribution of the team-mates and especially our bowlers who always gave Sachin more than enough runs to chase all these years.

Navjyot Singh Sidhu: Records and statistics my friend, are like the bikini. They expose a lot but conceal the vital. We look at 100 centuries today but haven't seen all the hard work that has gone into making those runs. Give the Devil his due at least today and accept the fact that when it comes to Sachin Tendulkar's hunger for runs, 'Sky is the Limit'. He has batted all his career while wickets tumbled like a row of cycles in a cycle stand in Ludhiana. It is not just a number or a record, it is rather a treasure; King Sachin's treasure.

Virendar Sehwag: Sachin is my idol and I have always tried to play like him. But I don't know anything about records. Who held the record before ? Was it an Indian ? Actually I was sleeping when he scored those runs and that is why I didn't know whose record was broken. 

Vinod Kambli: I never received enough support from selectors and administration. Even Sachin didn't support me when I was not scoring any runs. I would have scored 150 centuries by now if they had supported me. 

Ravi Shastri: That one went like a tracer-bullet. He went onto to up the ante at the right moment and it's all happening there now. It was a super exhibition of batsman-ship by the little Champion in front of a full house of a half empty stadium. This is a proud moment not only for India but for the entire Cricket fraternity. 

Shane Warne: My good friend has finally done it. His inner confidence stood strong during tough times and that is why I would like him to be the Indian brand ambassador for my line of inner-wear. 

Ricky Ponting: This is an inspiration to me. I went through a lean phase but decided not to give up. Now I am sure I too will be able to score more hundreds.

Shahid Afridi: His feet were really trembling when he played that last ball. I could see my LED TV vibrating as the bowler began his run up. He was definitely scared. But anyway he has got the record now and I congratulate him. We are not like Indians. They never congratulated us when we scored hundred centuries.

Brad Haddin: He has got a hundred now and all others in their team will pretty much be jealous of him and they will turn against each other. They can break easily and that will lead to complete destruction.

Virat Kohli: He has carried the burden of the nation ever since me, Suresh and Rohit were in our nappies. That is why we all carried his burden after the World Cup win. Now we ourselves would like to carry the burden of the nation from here. When I showed the finger, all I meant was that I was ready to carry the burden of the nation on my middle finger. My Delhi team-mate Ishant too gestured he is ready to take over the burden from Zaheer Bhai.

"I just said, I can carry the burden on my middle finger!"

The Common Man or Aam Aadmi: OMG, all these months of waiting for this to happen every time he batted and to see him fall short every time caused enormous heart burns. We watched match after match with Lays and Coke and Cashew nuts and Beer. All the binging due to subsequent depression and what do I see now standing on the scale ?  

THE WEIGHT IS OVER !

The list can get as unending as the wait for the hundred. Hence, as the owner of the blog, I am restraining Dr. Balls here to come out with just one more; that of 'The Sachin Tendulkar' himself.

"People kept throwing stones at me. I converted them into mile-stones and then built a palatial home with the remaining ones. People still kept throwing stones. So I have constructed a Monument now !"

SPun Doctor
Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

Faithful Husbands: 1983 to 2011 and Back to the 90s !

After almost 2 months away from Doctoring the Balls, I am back because I have something to blog. There hardly was anything to blog home about for me in that long hiatus.

There is a sinister similarity when it comes to how India went on to win the ODI World Cup and then how their test match form dwindled like the credibility of the UPA government. From 1983, Cricket Crazy Indians had a long wait of 28 years before the summit was attained again on 2 April 2011. As I progress with this post, we will understand what are the similarities between 1983 and 2011.

The similarities begin with this photograph.

The Record-kars !

So here is what I mean by similarities.

What happened in 1983 and after that ?

Soon after the World Cup win on 25 June 1983, India huffed and puffed to draw a home test series against Pakistan. The only thing the team, the country and even the Parliament were interested in was Sunil Gavaskar scoring his 28th century in a dead as a dodo Bangalore test.

The subsequent Test series against West Indies was a disaster as the revenge of the Calypso Kings resulted in a royal 3-0 home series hiding for India. But what was the public reaction ? Indians were happy, extremely satisfied because Sunny Gavaskar managed to score his 29th and 30th test centuries at Delhi and Madras respectively. Nobody was bothered or disappointed except for the rowdy crowd at Calcutta.

Subsequently India were beaten at home by a second string England team and could not press for a win down under in 1986. They should have won both Melbourne and Sydney easily, but drew both.

In the intervening period, India won the World Championship down under in 1985, some totally inconsequential ODI series, the Asia Cups and some sundry tea cups. And then Chetan Sharma lost the last ball battle to Javed Miyandad in Sharjah to open a new chapter in Indian Cricket that lead to a total psychological domination of India by Pakistan.

All through this ODI hype and hoopla, only noteworthy test win was the 1986 conquering of the Old Blighty under Kapil Dev. But for this win, India were Tigers at home and kittens away. Like Poonam Pandey said, "They were like faithful husbands who perform only at home".

All through the 1983 to 1987 period, only thing that mattered to Indian Cricket was Sunil Gavaskar and his records. It was about 8000 Test runs, then Gary Sobers, then Boycott, then it was 29th century and then the 30th. Then he became the first batsman to scale 9000 and then the 10K mark in test Cricket described in his own language as '10 times magnificent'.

Sunil Gavaskar finally ended his batathon in 1987 with a tragic 96 at Bangalore as Pakistan managed to win their first ever test series on Indian soil. People again kept talking about how Sunny stood tall amongst ruins and conveniently forgot how another test was lost after being in a winning position for most of first 3 days.

Raj Singh Dungarpur had a brainwave and he thus disbanded the over thirty [OT] team to build the Team of the 90s. The team of 90s must be rated the most lopsided team ever. They were almost always invincible at home, and as a rule were invariably humbled abroad. They could not even beat Zimbabwe in Zimbabwe.

So what kept the interest of people in the 90s ?

Answer: Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar !

Circa 2011:

For over two decades now, I have witnessed thousands and thousands of people who rejoice when SRT scores a century even if India lose the match. I personally know many who pray for a century from their God, but not for an Indian win. Some of the Sachinists actually derive masochistic pleasure when 'He' scores and the team loses.

This isn't one bit to blame Sachin Tendulkar, the Man or the Hunk who sold his Ferrari. This is about 'Our' mentality. The mentality unique to us Indians. We claim to have invented 'Zero' and we do have a serious fetish for that entity. We love to add Zeros to our numbers and watch them swell. We just can't have enough of landmarks, records and bloody statistics.

During the entire World Cup Campaign, the print and visual media was more concerned about Sachin Tendulkar scoring a century than an Indian win. History tells us the story was the same when Sunil Gavaskar batted and today 'He-story' repeats itself.

We admire, applaud and hail Michael Clarke when he declares on the verge of a personal milestone. But when Rahul Dravid declared with Sachin on 194, Sachin, Sachinists and the entire nation went to town about how unfair it was to deny him a landmark. That same Rahul Dravid played an uncharacteristic reverse sweep to get out with a triple century in sight. He played that shot only to up the ante as Ravi Shastri would like to say. Nobody appreciated it, people just blamed him for playing a stupid shot.

Sunil Gavaskar's dislike for adventurism by batsmen when they reach 80s or 90s is legendary. We can see him seething if an Indian batsman plays a rash shot in nervous nineties. Saurav Ganguly once wanted Rahul Dravid to slow down because Ganguly was closing in on a century. RD got out immediately and neither did Saurav get his century.

Ever since he debuted as the youngest Indian to play test Cricket, SRT has created so many records, it is difficult to keep a tab on that. I think we can better count the records which he doesn't own. Gavaskar once was described as Record-kar. Well, we have a Record-kar version 2.0 today walking into the twilight of his career.

So what matters today for the average Indian ? The land mark of 100 International Centuries for SRT and nothing else. Every time India bat in a test innings, people want India to be 2 down as quickly as possible so that Sachin can come and score the hundredth ton. It is another thing that our openers have obliged the expecting fans more often than not. It appears as if even our openers and other team-mates want the Century No. 100 to be out of their system.

Today, more people were disappointed when SRT fell for 80 than when India finally lost by innings and 68 runs. Very few people are bothered by six successive massive test defeats abroad because most of them are busy worrying about the 'celestial event' of the 100th 100. This exactly is why Cricket will never lose its importance in India.

It was Sunil Gavaskar then, it is Sachin Tendulkar today and it probably will be about Virat Kohli tomorrow. What will happen to Team India ? We will continue to collapse to new lows in Tests abroad, continue to thrive in ODI Cricket and slowly but steadily return to the 90s; Tigers at home and kittens away !

And with other teams increasingly catching up with playing conditions in India, soon we might lose on our home stretch too. Even a lowly placed West Indies ran India close in the recently concluded series. South Africa have more than once shown India can be beaten at home.

So what will happen to India then ?

Well, IPL will be our Savior ! Only an Indian Team will win IPL and we can rejoice with more and more records ! Long live 'Faithful Husbands' !



SPun Doctor Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/