Debacle Down Under: Postmortem of a White Wash !

Since the people who have scripted great overseas triumphs are already back in the hut, we can assume India will lose the Adelaide test by more than 250 if not 300 runs. So let me do the postmortem of the series straightaway. I am in a hurry and want to do it before anyone else does it.

There are too many people to take things seriously and work on strategies for revival of Team India. Hence let me take a look at the lighter side of the battle 'Agneepath' that never was.

Ravichandran Ashwin, the only Indian face that was available for post-match meet the press throughout the tour gives us the detailed report. "Here are the reasons for the debacle", said Ashwin ,"Pick your choice".

1] BCCI: hasn't delivered on the promises made to players after our World Cup win. Most of us were not even born when India won the Cup last time. So we expected better treatment from the Board. We sent a warning during West Indies tour by not attempting a win in the third test. BCCI didn't heed the warning and thus it is 8-0 overseas now. We aren't embarrassed because what else can we do to show our displeasure ?

2] Poonam Pandey: is worse than the BCCI. She too has deceived us. She failed to keep her promise to strip if we won. Team India have thus decided to strip ourselves of all that we held when we won the World Cup on 2 April 2011.

3] Anna Hazare: is an honest man and needs the support of every Indian including Team India. Hence we  want to support Anna Hazare on his demand for a strong 'Jan Lokpal' bill. Till the 'Bill' is passed, we promise we wouldn't win a single match offshore.

4] Brahmagupta, Aryabhata, Mayans or to whomsoever it may concern: Those who invented 'Zero' are responsible for the sorry plight of Indian Cricket today. Had it not been invented, we wouldn't be having 10. Thus Tendulkar and in turn an entire nation wouldn't have been burdened by the number 10 times 10 that is 100.

5] Clarke: Average Indians are tormented by the omnipotent, bribe seeking Clerk in Government offices. Being 'true blue' Indians, we too have a mental clock against anything that remotely sounds like Clerk. That is why they simply can't get Clarke out of our system !

6] The Off Stump: is where all the problems lie because it is always off and never on. It so terribly disturbs us Indians and we end up groping all over.

7] The Umpires and Referees: They simply didn't cheat or target us this time. There was no fighting spirit because both the irritant [Symonds] and the galvanizer [Bhajji] were not there this time. We never draw first blood you see, we always avenge atrocities; real or imaginary.

8] The World Cup of woes: It isn't our fault. It is just history repeating itself. We have heard India lost badly even at home after winning the World Cup in 1983. We have lost only away and not at home. Nobody is ashamed in the dressing room because everyone is wearing at least underwear. And none of us have taken off the shirt and swung it wildly like some of our detractors did in the past.

9] Seniors: have guided us well as to how to handle defeat. Once we know how to handle that, we will be able to handle everything in life. The seniors just want us to get used to this feeling before they leave. After winning and being No. 1 team for almost 2 years, they didn't want all the blame to fall on us juniors when they quit and we suddenly start to lose. They are magnanimous and have copped all the criticism.

10] Juniors: have always believed failure is the stepping stone to success. We will come out stronger. You can already see the signs of that in Umesh and Virat's performances. We all know it can't get any worse, so only way from here is upwards and we will rise from the Ashes, oops Thrashes !

The Positives !

Well of course, now I will have to meet my CSK Captain, I mean India Captain Dhoni to find out if all these reasons are enough or we need to formulate more. So kindly excuse me. I will come back with more if you people are not satisfied.



SPun Doctor
Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

BCCI Agenda for Resurrection of Cricket !

Team India Down Under, Down Under: How to lift them up ?

Team  India's worst tour of Australia is on and things are getting worse by the day. Let us look at the pre-tour hype and the situation that prevailed and then how things have unfolded since the fall of Tendulkar at the fag end of day-2 at Melbourne. From 214/2, India have just withered away and wilted.

Australia were in dire straits. They were beaten by New Zealand and were bowled out for 48 by South Africa very recently. Ponting and Hussey have been out of form for longer than anyone could care to remember. They were going to miss the Iconic All-rounder Shane Watson and Pat Cummins from the beginning. Harris and Marsh missed half of the test and then James Pattinson got injured. Thus good number of cream of the present Aussie team have missed the major part of Cricket that has been played so far.

India on the other hand were in full strength with the exception of Praveen Kumar. So this was touted as India's best chance to win a test series down under. But what has happened how ? First test was lost on day 5, second on day 4 and third within minutes of lunch break on day 3. At this rate, the Adelaide test might get over on day-2. Srikkanth is totally devastated and Dhoni has declared himself to be the main culprit. The BCCI believes the performance has not been up to the mark.

Hence a very high level meeting of the BCCI, Selectors and former players was held. Since it was to be a high level and top secret meeting, it was held at Siachen Glacier. Whatever happened in the meeting has been recorded in the minutes. But all that can't be divulged. BCCI has come out with an agenda for the resurrection of Team India and the fortunes of Indian Cricket. And the document has been forwarded to ICC.

The 10 point agenda the BCCI has approved for the rejuvenation of Cricket.

01] Ghaas Poos is serious health hazard: The main problem seems to be Indians are allergic to grass and that hampers their performance seriously. Hence no grass should be allowed to exist on any pitch where India have to play. Even Ivan Lendle had declared, "Grass is for cows". Indian players are not cows, they are Tigers. Tigers at home to be precise. So henceforth ICC should make sure that a herd of cows is deployed at all venues where Team India are to play test matches. The grazing cows will ensure the pitch will be devoid of grass. And all the hoof marks will makes sure our spinners can get purchase from day one. 

02] Speed Breakers: We all know speed thrills but it also kills. All the speed bowling in England and India has almost killed Indian Cricket. ICC 'must' realize almost two thirds of revenue filling the ICC coffers comes from Indian Cricket, if not three fourths. If Indian supporters stop watching Cricket, ICC can shut shop. So all fast bowlers operating against India 'must' be fitted with speed-breakers with immediate effect. None should bowl faster that 125kmph or whatever is the average speed at which Vinay Kumar bowled in the previous match; whichever is slower. 

03] Three day Tests: When India travel abroad, all tests should be restricted to just 3 days and not 5 days. We first have to give them a realistic chance to draw a test before we can think of winning again. And during these 3 days, lunch break should be extended to 90 minutes and tea break to 30 minutes. The breaks happen to be the best part of tests played by India these days, because no wickets fall during these period. This also ensures a lot more scope for advertizements and that means more money for ICC. 

04] No Slip ups please: "Indian batsmen are like faithful husbands, they perform only at home", tweeted Poonam Pandey. But an insider from Team India camp on conditions of anonymity has declared, "Indian players are disappointed that Poonam has not kept her word of stripping if India won the World Cup. Hence they are disappointed". The faithful husbands that they are, they hate all the gossiping by the Aussie wicket-keeper and slip fielders. Hence no slip fielders should be allowed to stand within the 30 yard circle when Indian 'Top Order Batsmen' bat. 

05] Field restrictions: It has been noticed by BCCI that too many fielders are seen in the field blocking his shots when Rahul Dravid is batting. Though that is distracting him, the gentleman has never complained. But it is distracting him and he is falling over his own feet to be bowled again and again and then again. So he should be allowed to make 3 changes in the field when he bats. He is the first and only Indian to support the lie-detector test suggested by ICC. Hence he should get this privilege to place 3 fielders of his choice anywhere he wants to. That could even be the dressing room. 

06] Save Tigers Campaign: Tigers and Indian batsmen have many things in common. The main thing in common is both are endangered species. Whole world is campaigning to save tigers. We advocate with equal fervor for a campaign to save our 'Tigers at home'. Henceforth, Team India should be allowed to play all away tests in India. To differentiate home and away tests, ESPN-Star Sports will telecast 'away series' and any channel chosen by BCCI will telecast home matches. This is more than enough for people to differentiate a home and away series. 

07] The Demons to be exorcised: Some channels believe there are demons in the mind of Sachin Tendulkar that are preventing him from scoring the hundredth ton. Those demons seem to be affecting the entire team too. Whatever has to be done to exorcise the demons must be done and an away series against Bangladesh followed by one against Zimbabwe should be arranged; both to be played in India. Once he gets his century of century, all the pressure will be off and Indians can get back to the business of playing Cricket. 

08] Benefits of IPL not being utilized: IPL is a magnificent event with a lots of glamor, lights, action, champagne, cheer girls, beer girls and Vijay Mallya. But what is the use ? Many of these selfish English and Australian Cricketers avoid IPL and concentrate only on their national teams. This is making Test Cricket a lopsided contest. Poor selfless Indians are toiling to play IPL, CL-T20, ODIs, Tests and if they get spare time, they also play Cricket with kids and Moms in the rain. They do all this even at the cost of West Indies tour. These selfish guys like Clarke and Cook should be immediately made to sign up for IPL. If they don't relent, they should be barred from playing international Cricket. We believe in providing everyone with a level playing field with lots of cracks in the pitches and no grass as mentioned earlier. 

09] Word Cricket means India: Today, World Cricket and even the 'Word' Cricket means India. We don't have to elaborate on this. If India go on getting humiliated like this on every tour and end up at the bottom of the table, people of India will give up on Cricket as Rahul Dravid rightly suspects. That means Cricket will be dead. Hence we must ensure Team India get enough chances to win and our Tigers get to feast on runs. Hence not only Zimbabwe and Kenya but UAE, Nepal, Bhutan, Afghanistan, Scotland, Greenland and every land possible should be given Test status immediately so that there are enough teams to be beaten by India. We suspect Ireland might turn out to be dangerous, hence it is better to avoid them. 

10] Final nail: DRS, Hawk eye, Eagle eye, Umpires, Third Umpires and Match Referees; all these entities have conspired to undermine Indian Cricket over the years. Hence in the larger interest of saving Cricket, the entire responsibility of running Cricket administration should be immediately handed over to an able body with 'rich' experience. Since we see nobody 'richer' than the BCCI, we deem it fit that the ICC must be immediately handed over to IPL Governing body to 'enrich' Cricket !

We believe all these measures will help in reaping short term as well as long term benefits for the financial security of Cricket. Hence ICC should follow these guidelines with immediate effect.


Signed/-


BCCI
IPL Governing body
Indias Selectors
Former Players
Team India [Signed from Go karting club in Perth]


Copy to all Cricket fans.




SPun Doctor
Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

Mahi Way: Rear-view Vision of a Victorious Journey !

Feels like it was a dream and then feels like it has come true. No need to pinch oneself. That six was as Dhoni as Dhoni ever was. 

Mahi Way !

Ever since Praveen 'Pehelwan' Kumar got injured and India went in with Piyush, Sreesanth, Munaf and Nehra, I have been vocal in my criticism of selection and the way Team India played. I never gave them a chance of winning actually till the last 2 overs.

Spare a thought for me and many like me. Why did I do what I did ? Very simple. I have said it before. My love, admiration and adulation for Team India is boundless. It is just that it hurts badly when they lose. Even though they have won more often than not in recent years, it still hurts when they lose. Especially so if that happens in the Finals. And India had lost 7 out of the 9 Finals they have played against Sri Lanka before this one.

So if you keep criticizing and finding faults, you have better chances of absorbing the shock of a defeat. And a Win will be that much sweeter. So for all those negatives I spewed about Dhoni and his Blue Blooded Brethren, I am not going to eat crow because I am a vegetarian.

I loved them after they lost 2003 World Cup Finals. I defended them after those two T-20 World Cup disasters. I almost assassinated Greg Chappell after the 2007 World Cup first round exit. And today, I am ecstatic and over the Moon like all fellow Indians.

Turning back, let us take a look at some interesting subplots through the journey that was. 

The Journey that was

For India, the journey began with 'Taming the Bengal Tiger' at Mirpur. On the way they scratched past the minnows, tied the Poms and stumbled but once against Springboks. Then they regrouped to knock the Kangaroos out. There came the Mother of all matches and the arch enemy was vanquished at Mohali. The road show came to a grand finale in Mumbai where they signed off "Slaying the Lions" ! 

Current Affairs

Dean Jones said, "Dhoni is dreaming if he thinks India can win". Border thought Sri Lanka will be too strong for India and Steve Waugh rated Sri Lanka as favorites. Mark Taylor declared after India's win against Pakistan that Pakistan had better chances of beating Sri Lanka but India would be easy meat for the Lankan Lions. Only Ricky Ponting declared after his team's quarterfinal debacle that India will not only beat Pakistan in Semifinals but will also go onto win the World Cup. It was 4 former Australian Stars vs 1 Current Captain.

Moral of the Story: Current Opinion matters because you've seen the balls on ground, not on LCD TV ! 

Toss ka Boss : Caught Cheating ?

Sanga: Tails I Win, Heads I win Too !

Sanga perhaps cheated,

Pushpakumara bleated.

All the others Tweeted,

And Dhoni just Batted !

Okay, You take the Toss,

That'll be the only Loss,

For me, nothing is gross. 

In the end, I am the Boss !

And the Spirit of Cricket literally went for a 'Toss' once again in an India - Sri Lanka match after la affaire Randiv !

Sehwagging: 175 - 0 in Six weeks

Viru 'Revenge' Sehwag started the proceedings with such a flourish against Bangladesh that all our middle order batsmen became complacent. His 175 curtain raiser spoiled them and there were too many collapses. So Viru decided enough is enough and went downhill. He creamed Gul in the semi-final before Riaz fixed him and Indian batting crippled after that. So Viru opened with a 'duck' in the Finals and Gautam and Mahi came to party !

Awful Taufel

This man must be rated the best Umpire of all times. In an era when the job is coming under increasing scrutiny, this man stands 'tall and handsome'. He had 11 Challenges against his on field calls. 10 were correct and the eleventh was inconclusive. The benefit of doubt always goes to batsmen. Not very fair ! Aleem Dar too was fabulous.

Day of Poonam Pandey

India did win. We all know that and Rajnikant has confirmed that what we saw on Saturday actually was a full length highlight of the match he watched on Friday the First of April. So where is Poonam Pandey ? We are waiting for the date and the day !

Best Team need not Win 

South Africa by far were the best team this time around. They had the fabulous top-4 and Duminy at 5 and a cool Du Plessis. Their fielding has always been class act. Nothing special about it. Most importantly they had the finest variety of bowling attack. Two world class quickies. One classic leg spinner. One nice left arm spinner and then Botha. How on earth can one team be so unlucky in knock out stages ?

The Series of the Man 

Thousands of short messages and emails did the rounds questioning his fitness, flair and form. Runs were hard to come. In spite of making fun of his fitness, I had predicted before the Cup that India's fortunes will rest on the fitness and form of 'One Man'. 4 Man of the matches. Runs in crunch moments. 2 successful chases under lights and tremendous stress. Wickets whenever his Captain asked him to bowl. What more can a man do ? This world cup was about 2 Individuals. Shahid Khan Afridi went out due to his batting follies. Yuveraj Singh made this World Cup his own with a magnificent All Round show ! Take a Bow Yuvi, you deserve all the accolades !

About Pakistan and Shahid Afridi

Pakistan played very good Cricket. They came across a well knit bunch who played for their Talisman like Captain Shahid Khan Afridi. I would have loved to see them in final. Alas ! They had just 2 bad days. Given some kind of support, they will go a long way. And please throw Senator Rehaman Malik into dungeons along with Ijaz Butt.

About Minnows 

All about Ryan ten Doeschate, Ireland, 2 successful 300+ chases, Kevin O'Brien, fastest World Cup Century, George Dockrell, Paul Stirling and too many useless matches. Give Ireland more exposure and perhaps a Test Status by 2015 should be theirs.

About some Great Men

Some really great men have played their last world cup matches. Ricky Ponting left a heart broken man with his winning streak broken. Murali left without much of an impact when it mattered. Sachin had his moments and charmed lives. He fell at the doorstep of history. But his team didn't let him down for once. He will walk away a contented man.

At another level, Sehwag, Brett Lee, Kallis, Peitersen, Strauss, Collingwood, Dilshan, Mahela, Sanga, Zaheer Khan, Shoaib Akhtar, Younis Khan and Hussey too might have played their last world cup matches. Malinga has declared he might not play another world cup.

Cricket will find new Stars and Brand Ambassadors for the Future. Virat Kohli, Umar Akmal, Tharanga, ABDV and many more will come. But we will miss the 'Greats' mentioned above. Especially 2015 World Cup might open as the first World Cup in 23 years not to feature a certain Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar !

And a Solemn Wish 

Let us all make a solemn wish that Pakistan will find a genuine Wicket Keeper before the 2015 World Cup !

SPun Doctor
Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/