The Aussie Annihilation: A Lazy Analysis !

Returning to "Doctoring the Balls" after the longest hiatus of almost half an year. It wasn't as if I was too occupied or had lost interest. It was just that I was lazy to compile a blog-post and was satisfied with short comments on the Social Media. Here I am just compiling some of them together; my take on the Annihilation of Aussies !

Chennai:

India's Opening pair reminds me so much of "Sholay". We have a Viru and a Vi-Jay and then there is a Coin Toss Dhoni NEVER wins !

Exasperated with the Aussie tail bothering our bowlers, Bhajji has declared, "India should ban wickets 8 / 9 / 10 or take them at the beginning of the innings !"

The Chennai pitch where India scored 572 and their last 3 wickets added 200 in less than 50 overs is a bonafide dodgy subcontinental minefield of a track not suitable for Test Cricket !

Question: What did Nathan tell Sachin Tendulkar that upset his rhythm before his fall ?
Answer: Saaraa shehar humen Lyon ke naam se jaanta hai !

Virat is now definitely ready to carry the burden of nation. Well deserved century ! 

 

Jadeja getting so much turn and 3 wickets on day-1 of a test means just one thing. This test might end before lunch on day-4, if not earlier !

 

Hyderabad:

 

The theme at Hyderabad was: Kai Po CHE ! 

 

Clarke survived a very close LBW of Jadeja. So Jaddu boy decided to take the law into his own hands and bowled him now ! 

 

Clarke gambled by declaring with 1 wicket still left. But Dhoni is a Master of the Gamble: He sent 2 Night Watchmen to Open !

 

Shane Watson's wife gives birth to their first child. Likely to be named Powerpoint Presentation-1 ! 

 

Michael Clarke will get out in all possible ways to Jadeja before the end of this series !

 

Ravindra jadeja should be immediately appointed Honorary Manager of all Government offices. He knows how handle Clarkes !

 

Cheteshwar Pujara and Murali Vijay have beaten Australia by an innings at Hyderabad !

 

Of the 4 suspended Australian players, only one is a Man [Usman]. Rest all are Sons [Watson, Pattinson, Johnson] !

 

If coach were to ask Bhajji to make a presentation, he'd've given him a glittering 'gift wrapped' "Presentation !" 

 

Haddin going to India: He is expected to Wade through troubled waters !

 

Mohali:

 

India's Population Control Board must hire M S Dhoni's services. He can eliminate many with his ways at the crease during tight chases !

 

Mickey Arthur has ordered Phil Hughes to buy a Pup or Dog that can eat his homework before the second innings !

 

Rajeev Shukla was quoted as, "Shikar Dhawan is the best thing to have happened to Indian Cricket since Rahul Gandhi !"

 

Inspired from the famous Bachchan dialoguie from "Sharaabi": "Mooche Ho to ho Shikhar Dhawan jaisi, Nahin to naa ho !"

The Hundred Man and the Twirling Mustache

End of the road for the Viru-Gauty ? Too early to write them off but Dhawan, Vijay success means a happy Dhoni sans the Delhi-Bully gang !

 

Delhi:
 

Dhoni has won everything in this series except toss !

 

Jadeja will get two wickets lesser in Delhi test thanks to Clarke !

 

Jadeja can't give up on Australian Captains. Clarke nahin toh Watson sahi !

 

Jadeja completes an over in the time that Ishant takes to push back his hair into place !

 

Will Ojha spend 1 year on 99 ala Tendulkar ?

 

We soon might have ads like "This ball of the over sponsored by...blah blah" on NEO Prime TV !

 

I wonder why they didn't send Ajinkya Rahane to open. He has enough experience opening; the drinks bottles !

 

Indian middle order is like our bureaucracy. They sit in AC and order around. We people know they won't but we still expect them to deliver the goods !

  

Australia missed Clarke the bowler than the batsman. Jadeja too missed him, but the batsman !

 

Australia Captain Clarke has ''Declared'' they can take pride over the fact that India couldn't bowl them out 8 times in the series !

No more performance related worries for Mrs. Che Pujara !

Che Pujara's wife is totally satisfied and extremely happy with his performance !

 

SPun Doctor Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

Debacle Down Under: Postmortem of a White Wash !

Since the people who have scripted great overseas triumphs are already back in the hut, we can assume India will lose the Adelaide test by more than 250 if not 300 runs. So let me do the postmortem of the series straightaway. I am in a hurry and want to do it before anyone else does it.

There are too many people to take things seriously and work on strategies for revival of Team India. Hence let me take a look at the lighter side of the battle 'Agneepath' that never was.

Ravichandran Ashwin, the only Indian face that was available for post-match meet the press throughout the tour gives us the detailed report. "Here are the reasons for the debacle", said Ashwin ,"Pick your choice".

1] BCCI: hasn't delivered on the promises made to players after our World Cup win. Most of us were not even born when India won the Cup last time. So we expected better treatment from the Board. We sent a warning during West Indies tour by not attempting a win in the third test. BCCI didn't heed the warning and thus it is 8-0 overseas now. We aren't embarrassed because what else can we do to show our displeasure ?

2] Poonam Pandey: is worse than the BCCI. She too has deceived us. She failed to keep her promise to strip if we won. Team India have thus decided to strip ourselves of all that we held when we won the World Cup on 2 April 2011.

3] Anna Hazare: is an honest man and needs the support of every Indian including Team India. Hence we  want to support Anna Hazare on his demand for a strong 'Jan Lokpal' bill. Till the 'Bill' is passed, we promise we wouldn't win a single match offshore.

4] Brahmagupta, Aryabhata, Mayans or to whomsoever it may concern: Those who invented 'Zero' are responsible for the sorry plight of Indian Cricket today. Had it not been invented, we wouldn't be having 10. Thus Tendulkar and in turn an entire nation wouldn't have been burdened by the number 10 times 10 that is 100.

5] Clarke: Average Indians are tormented by the omnipotent, bribe seeking Clerk in Government offices. Being 'true blue' Indians, we too have a mental clock against anything that remotely sounds like Clerk. That is why they simply can't get Clarke out of our system !

6] The Off Stump: is where all the problems lie because it is always off and never on. It so terribly disturbs us Indians and we end up groping all over.

7] The Umpires and Referees: They simply didn't cheat or target us this time. There was no fighting spirit because both the irritant [Symonds] and the galvanizer [Bhajji] were not there this time. We never draw first blood you see, we always avenge atrocities; real or imaginary.

8] The World Cup of woes: It isn't our fault. It is just history repeating itself. We have heard India lost badly even at home after winning the World Cup in 1983. We have lost only away and not at home. Nobody is ashamed in the dressing room because everyone is wearing at least underwear. And none of us have taken off the shirt and swung it wildly like some of our detractors did in the past.

9] Seniors: have guided us well as to how to handle defeat. Once we know how to handle that, we will be able to handle everything in life. The seniors just want us to get used to this feeling before they leave. After winning and being No. 1 team for almost 2 years, they didn't want all the blame to fall on us juniors when they quit and we suddenly start to lose. They are magnanimous and have copped all the criticism.

10] Juniors: have always believed failure is the stepping stone to success. We will come out stronger. You can already see the signs of that in Umesh and Virat's performances. We all know it can't get any worse, so only way from here is upwards and we will rise from the Ashes, oops Thrashes !

The Positives !

Well of course, now I will have to meet my CSK Captain, I mean India Captain Dhoni to find out if all these reasons are enough or we need to formulate more. So kindly excuse me. I will come back with more if you people are not satisfied.



SPun Doctor
Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

BCCI Agenda for Resurrection of Cricket !

Team India Down Under, Down Under: How to lift them up ?

Team  India's worst tour of Australia is on and things are getting worse by the day. Let us look at the pre-tour hype and the situation that prevailed and then how things have unfolded since the fall of Tendulkar at the fag end of day-2 at Melbourne. From 214/2, India have just withered away and wilted.

Australia were in dire straits. They were beaten by New Zealand and were bowled out for 48 by South Africa very recently. Ponting and Hussey have been out of form for longer than anyone could care to remember. They were going to miss the Iconic All-rounder Shane Watson and Pat Cummins from the beginning. Harris and Marsh missed half of the test and then James Pattinson got injured. Thus good number of cream of the present Aussie team have missed the major part of Cricket that has been played so far.

India on the other hand were in full strength with the exception of Praveen Kumar. So this was touted as India's best chance to win a test series down under. But what has happened how ? First test was lost on day 5, second on day 4 and third within minutes of lunch break on day 3. At this rate, the Adelaide test might get over on day-2. Srikkanth is totally devastated and Dhoni has declared himself to be the main culprit. The BCCI believes the performance has not been up to the mark.

Hence a very high level meeting of the BCCI, Selectors and former players was held. Since it was to be a high level and top secret meeting, it was held at Siachen Glacier. Whatever happened in the meeting has been recorded in the minutes. But all that can't be divulged. BCCI has come out with an agenda for the resurrection of Team India and the fortunes of Indian Cricket. And the document has been forwarded to ICC.

The 10 point agenda the BCCI has approved for the rejuvenation of Cricket.

01] Ghaas Poos is serious health hazard: The main problem seems to be Indians are allergic to grass and that hampers their performance seriously. Hence no grass should be allowed to exist on any pitch where India have to play. Even Ivan Lendle had declared, "Grass is for cows". Indian players are not cows, they are Tigers. Tigers at home to be precise. So henceforth ICC should make sure that a herd of cows is deployed at all venues where Team India are to play test matches. The grazing cows will ensure the pitch will be devoid of grass. And all the hoof marks will makes sure our spinners can get purchase from day one. 

02] Speed Breakers: We all know speed thrills but it also kills. All the speed bowling in England and India has almost killed Indian Cricket. ICC 'must' realize almost two thirds of revenue filling the ICC coffers comes from Indian Cricket, if not three fourths. If Indian supporters stop watching Cricket, ICC can shut shop. So all fast bowlers operating against India 'must' be fitted with speed-breakers with immediate effect. None should bowl faster that 125kmph or whatever is the average speed at which Vinay Kumar bowled in the previous match; whichever is slower. 

03] Three day Tests: When India travel abroad, all tests should be restricted to just 3 days and not 5 days. We first have to give them a realistic chance to draw a test before we can think of winning again. And during these 3 days, lunch break should be extended to 90 minutes and tea break to 30 minutes. The breaks happen to be the best part of tests played by India these days, because no wickets fall during these period. This also ensures a lot more scope for advertizements and that means more money for ICC. 

04] No Slip ups please: "Indian batsmen are like faithful husbands, they perform only at home", tweeted Poonam Pandey. But an insider from Team India camp on conditions of anonymity has declared, "Indian players are disappointed that Poonam has not kept her word of stripping if India won the World Cup. Hence they are disappointed". The faithful husbands that they are, they hate all the gossiping by the Aussie wicket-keeper and slip fielders. Hence no slip fielders should be allowed to stand within the 30 yard circle when Indian 'Top Order Batsmen' bat. 

05] Field restrictions: It has been noticed by BCCI that too many fielders are seen in the field blocking his shots when Rahul Dravid is batting. Though that is distracting him, the gentleman has never complained. But it is distracting him and he is falling over his own feet to be bowled again and again and then again. So he should be allowed to make 3 changes in the field when he bats. He is the first and only Indian to support the lie-detector test suggested by ICC. Hence he should get this privilege to place 3 fielders of his choice anywhere he wants to. That could even be the dressing room. 

06] Save Tigers Campaign: Tigers and Indian batsmen have many things in common. The main thing in common is both are endangered species. Whole world is campaigning to save tigers. We advocate with equal fervor for a campaign to save our 'Tigers at home'. Henceforth, Team India should be allowed to play all away tests in India. To differentiate home and away tests, ESPN-Star Sports will telecast 'away series' and any channel chosen by BCCI will telecast home matches. This is more than enough for people to differentiate a home and away series. 

07] The Demons to be exorcised: Some channels believe there are demons in the mind of Sachin Tendulkar that are preventing him from scoring the hundredth ton. Those demons seem to be affecting the entire team too. Whatever has to be done to exorcise the demons must be done and an away series against Bangladesh followed by one against Zimbabwe should be arranged; both to be played in India. Once he gets his century of century, all the pressure will be off and Indians can get back to the business of playing Cricket. 

08] Benefits of IPL not being utilized: IPL is a magnificent event with a lots of glamor, lights, action, champagne, cheer girls, beer girls and Vijay Mallya. But what is the use ? Many of these selfish English and Australian Cricketers avoid IPL and concentrate only on their national teams. This is making Test Cricket a lopsided contest. Poor selfless Indians are toiling to play IPL, CL-T20, ODIs, Tests and if they get spare time, they also play Cricket with kids and Moms in the rain. They do all this even at the cost of West Indies tour. These selfish guys like Clarke and Cook should be immediately made to sign up for IPL. If they don't relent, they should be barred from playing international Cricket. We believe in providing everyone with a level playing field with lots of cracks in the pitches and no grass as mentioned earlier. 

09] Word Cricket means India: Today, World Cricket and even the 'Word' Cricket means India. We don't have to elaborate on this. If India go on getting humiliated like this on every tour and end up at the bottom of the table, people of India will give up on Cricket as Rahul Dravid rightly suspects. That means Cricket will be dead. Hence we must ensure Team India get enough chances to win and our Tigers get to feast on runs. Hence not only Zimbabwe and Kenya but UAE, Nepal, Bhutan, Afghanistan, Scotland, Greenland and every land possible should be given Test status immediately so that there are enough teams to be beaten by India. We suspect Ireland might turn out to be dangerous, hence it is better to avoid them. 

10] Final nail: DRS, Hawk eye, Eagle eye, Umpires, Third Umpires and Match Referees; all these entities have conspired to undermine Indian Cricket over the years. Hence in the larger interest of saving Cricket, the entire responsibility of running Cricket administration should be immediately handed over to an able body with 'rich' experience. Since we see nobody 'richer' than the BCCI, we deem it fit that the ICC must be immediately handed over to IPL Governing body to 'enrich' Cricket !

We believe all these measures will help in reaping short term as well as long term benefits for the financial security of Cricket. Hence ICC should follow these guidelines with immediate effect.


Signed/-


BCCI
IPL Governing body
Indias Selectors
Former Players
Team India [Signed from Go karting club in Perth]


Copy to all Cricket fans.




SPun Doctor
Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

Zulaqrnain Hyder goes into Hiding; The Real Story !

Five unrelated headlines that perhaps are closely related !

Now let us see if and how they are related...

1] I was Rubbish 5 years ago: Swann !

Swann says he 'was' rubbish 5 years ago. Which should mean he doesn't think he is rubbish now. That  definitely is a great or ominous sign before the Ashes depending upon which side you are supporting ! 

2] Best Still to Come: Strauss !

Strauss believes 'their best' is yet to come. Which means the progress from rubbish to Swann is not the end of progress ! And that implies Aussies have a job on hand.

3] My Teammates respect my Captaincy: Clarke !

Clarke in the meanwhile doesn't want to sound intimidated. But he isn't confident about his own Teammates. So he says his 'Aussie Teammates' respect him. So are there 'Non-Aussie Teammates' in the Aussie Team now ? People from the other world believe this team is full of them ! 

4] Tendulkar Better than Bradman: Zaheer Abbas !

Zaheer Abbas for one is one such chap. He has no respect for the current Aussies including Mike Hussey and Marcus North. So much so, he has gone on record and declared 'The God' to be better than 'The Don' ! Last heard that Obama is planning to hire Zaheer Abbas to solve all the outstanding Indo-Pak issues !

5] PCB Send Legal Notice to Arthur !

And as a clear indicator of Pakistan softening its stand towards long-standing enemy India, PCB has warned Mickey Arthur with dire consequences. There is no mention of India, BCCI or any Indian in any part of their latest salvo. That is such a big relief !

As a further goodwill gesture, PCB has offered to play India in a home series to be played in Sri Lanka. The team will be lead by both Mohammad Yousuf and Younis Khan. MoYo will lead from one end and Y2K from the other. As usual, Afridi will be the Captain !

The PCB's Arthur threat package includes bombarding Arthur with Bigg no balls courtesy Dolly of Bigg Boss with Veena Malik for expert help. They also plan to fix him in a match with Rakhi Sawant on next edition of Rakhi ka Swayam-war ! Appointing him as the next Pakistan Coach too has been mooted as one of the harsher punishments.

No wonder the poor guy got scared beyond words. If anyone talking against 'Match Fixing' has to face all this, it isn't worth it. If Mickey Arthur can be subjected to such unbelievable torture, what will a puny little substitute of Kamran Akmal do ? He has to 'Hide' because his name says so...

So...

Zulaqrnain Hyder goes into Hiding !



S-Pun Doctor