Astrology, Feng Shui and Selecting Team India

Breaking News...

The BCCI has disbanded the recently reconstituted BCCI Selection Committee with immediate effect. Mr. Sandeep Patil and Co have received the marching orders and a brand new Selection Committee with high profile "Specialist selectors" has been constituted. The regional quota has been disbanded for good.

Mr. Sreenivasan gave brief introduction of the new selection committee members. The photographs have been withheld due to the inauspicious period prevailing according to the adverse planetary positions and will be made public once the stars are favorable.

The list of Selectors

Sri. Guruvayoor Somasekhara "Kalimuthu" Panicker Avargal: A prominent practitioner of the famous South Indian black magic hails from a village near Madhurai in Tamil Nadu and he will be the Chief of Selectors. Though originally from Guruvayoor in Kerala, Sri. Panicker has vast knowledge of South Indian black magic. He will target the key players from opposition camps and make them ineffective against India with his Tantra Kriya and Shatru Paraajaya Kriya. It was with his help that CSK tamed Chris Gayle in the 2010 IPL Final. It is believed that Mr. Sreenivasan had employed the expertise of Sri. Panicker to fix Mr. Jagmohan Dalmiya to Kolkotta.

Sri. Vijaylal Dhambi: An expert in planetary positions, he will decide which player has the best possibilities to succeed in a given match. He will be in charge of major selection decisions. His first reaction to his appointment is positive. He said, "Dhoni's Rahu is in south west position and that has brought a lot of bad luck". He also has advised BCCI to use golden coins for toss in future since steel is unlucky metal for Dhoni.

Smt. Sithaa Dhyaan: The famous tarot card reader and expert palmist will assist in finalizing the playing 11 during every match. She will also assess which player should bat at which number. She is the first and the only lady Selector and this is a revolutionary step taken by the BCCI. Ms. Dhyaan had rightly predicted India would win the 2011 World Cup only if Dhoni bats at No. 4. Her husband Mr. Dhyanchand Trivedi vouches for this. He added, "She also had predicted that Dhoni will hit the winning shot and that will be a six"

Sri. Pushpak K. Rajeev: The famous Numerologist will decide on the lucky jersey number for each and every Indian player. The players will be contractually bound to wear the jersey number selected by him so that their chances of winning matches increase infinitely. He emphatically stated that his status as the leading Numerologist in India was enhanced after he changed his name from Pushpakumar Rajeev to Pushpak K. Rajeev. As a token of his service, he claims Sachin Tendulkar will be luckier and will score another 25 hundreds if he changes his name to Sachchin Tenndullkarr !

Sri. Khurram Buildingwaalah: The internationally acclaimed exponent of "Integrated Vastu and Feng Shui Science" will be the fifth selector. He will advise players to sit in appropriate positions and also decide on field positions. He is of the firm opinion that India's bowling and fielding lacked sting due to poor Feng Shui positioning. Proper practice will help them to bowl and field better. He will also examine the houses of all Indian players and suggest corrective measures to avoid evils of poor Vastu. He shot to fame after he suggested a favorable Vastu position to Yeddiyurappa in his jail cell. Mr. Yeddiyurappa managed to get bail after following Sri Buildingwaala's advice.

Sri. Sanjay Manjrekar: He will be the only Cricketer in the new selection committee and has been selected for his ability to face players with a straight face after writing or talking shit about them. Those he believes to be unfit will be given preference in selection after consulting the other 5 selectors.

Mr. Sreenivasan was quoted, "India will henceforth win all tournaments and test matches. We are confident that the new committee will do a very good job. All of them will select the team for the next series from the Holy Hills of Tirumala"

Captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni has hailed the BCCI decision as the right decision in the right direction. He said...

SPun Doctor

Generous Dhoni, Talented Rohit and the Lesser Mortals !

One Day International Matches: 21, 10, 33, 15, 0, 4, 68, 5, 0, 0, 4, 4
T-20 International Matches: 0, 4*, 1*, 55*, 1

These are Rohit Sharma's returns from International matches in 2012. He averages overall 17 runs per dismissal. In T-20, it is 30.5 thanks to a 55 not out but in ODI Cricket, it is a pathetic 14 runs.

Manoj Tiwari has scored a hundred and a 65 in the 8 matches he has got to play. He has a 4 wicket haul in the only match he failed with the bat in 2012. In that match, he made 21 which was 8 more than the total number of runs Rohit Sharma scored in the entire series.

Mahendra Singh Dhoni is obviously a generous man. His selectors have been more generous than that. He gives chance after chance to Rohit in the name of promise and talent. One or two failures and Yusuf Pathan gets thrown out. Forget Yusuf, Manoj Tiwari today, is the MOST WRONGED man in Indian Cricket.

For Dhoni, Rohit Sharma with 225 runs in 17 innings in 2012 is more important to the team than Virendar Sehwag who scored 219 runs in just one ODI innings in December 2011. In spite of all the attitude issues and ego clashes, preferring Rohit over Viru is criminal to put it mildly.

But even if Sehwag gets omitted on form, doesn't that rule apply to Rohit too ? Why different yardsticks for Rohit, Viru and Tiwari ?

We have seen how Piyush Chawla and Ravindra Jadeja have managed to sneak into the team in spite of continued non-performance. One success and he tends to keep them forever and just a couple of below par show and the lesser mortals get the 'axe effect'

But what is insidious and more evil is the way Dhoni is gradually demolishing Irfan Pathan. He somehow has a serious dislike for the name Pathan. After completely demolishing Yusuf Pathan, he has now taken up the job to finish off the half brother.

If he has so much faith in Rohit Sharma, why not send Rohit to open ? He is a top order batsman and has opened before. Why make Irfan a sacrificial lamb again ? Indian Cricket fans haven't forgotten how Greg Chappelle demolished Irfan by making him do too many things.

Irfan is NOT Shane Watson. He is a bowling All-rounder. He has won some crucial matches batting at 7 or 8. By forcing him to open, Dhoni is killing him again. Irfan doesn't know what is expected of him.

Mr. Dhoni, for the sake of the millions of fans who adulate your team, please stop this game of politics and ego. Your ego trip with Viru is YOUR problem. Stop destroying a precious talent who has found some kind of confidence after a long hiatus !

And can we hope for a reply for a set of questions ?

How many matches will Rohit get to play on much publicized talent after scoring just one 50 ?
How many matches will Tiwari get to warm the benches after every successful performance ?

Knowing you, Mr. Dhoni, we don't expect an answer. You have become the Dictator and you will end up demolishing this team. Unfortunate !


SPun Doctor

Unmukt Chand and the Recalcitrant System !

Where is India ?

What we see is the Final Medals Tally of  London Olympics 2012. India's place in the list was a glorious 55th out of 204 nations that participated. If we take out the No. 2 placed China, India's population is larger than the total of all the other nations in this list put together.

The other 149 nations below India don't even count when it comes to economic and political muscle power India is capable of wielding. But we were happy and celebrating an all time best medals tally. India is the ONLY country that believes in the "Spirit of Olympics". Participation and not winning is important !

Suresh Kalmadis, All India Lawn Tennis Association, Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupati and all the corruption have played their role to perfection in undermining India on the international sports arena.

But have we ever realized the BIGGEST and WORST Culprits responsible for India's pathetic performances in sports ? Go nowhere, we just have to look into the mirror.

The Principal of St. Stephens College, Delhi is but one among us. He or she is not an exception, but the rule in this country. That person did what most of us do directly or indirectly. How many of us stand up and support our kid when the child shows inclination towards sports ?

He could beat Australia but not Indian Colleges !

Unmukt Chand is not your average Cricket crazy teenager who neglected his studies. He is an intelligent and hard-working boy with immaculate habits and heavy vocabulary. If he was short on attendance, he had extremely valid and respect-worthy reasons. He lost out to the college authorities even after taking legal recourse.

Any college in a sensible world would have bent over backwards to accommodate his needs, but not St. Stephens. Never and not even for the U-19 Cricket World Cup winning Captain. Welcome to India, we are serious about manufacturing nerds, Doctors, Engineers, Accountants and people to serve the other countries. Sports is not on our agenda.

In a country ruled by Cricket and not the silent Prime Minister, the Under-19 World Cup winning Captain gets treated so shabbily. The same Principal would have allowed the Union leaders with political clout to write examinations.

If a Cricketer with such credentials has to suffer this, imagine the plight of other sports-persons. They probably would be rusticated for shortage of attendance. As long as such a system prevails, India will remain at 55 or slide further down south on the Olympic Medals tally.

So what do we call the system ? In Unmukt Chand's own style, "Recalcitrant Authoritarianism that has become Redundant for the Student Faculty and is Undermining Sports, thus making ourselves Superfluous on the International Sports arena" !



SPun Doctor

Che, Virat and the Essence of Life !

An old quotable quote goes like, "Those worried about what would happen to next generation should stop worrying. The next generation will grow up and start worrying about next generation". Quite right !

In 1987, when Sunil Gavaskar retired, everyone was asking, "After Sunny, who ?" This was the worry on the minds of every Indian Cricket fan. We had Mohammed Azaruddin followed by Sachin Tendulkar, Rahul Dravid, Saurav Ganguly, VVS Laxman, Virendar Sehwag and Gautam Gambhir. An entire golden generation of batting stalwarts.

Today, Dada Ganguly is long gone. The Wall retired before the season began and VVS has hung his wrists at the beginning of the ongoing series. A lot of people would love to see Sachin Tendulkar bat till he is 100. But he has to go sooner than later. For all the doubters, there have always been people like me, who believed everyone including Tendulkar will some day be replaced.

The recent humongous exploits of Virat Kohli in ODI Cricket and the wonderful century of Cheteshwar Pujara at Hyderabad has once again proved this as a fact of life.

Are they talking about next generation ?

India's batting is in safe hands. It always will be. Retiring now won't be selfish Mr. Tendulkar but fairly appropriate. If you retire before a tough tour of Australia or South Africa, then THAT would be considered selfish.

10 - 12 years from today, Cricket lovers in India will be worried, "Who after Che, Virat and Co ?"

Sahir Ludhiyanvi's Classic Poetry immortalized by Khayyam's music and Mukesh's voice quite sums up the essence of life. Time and tide truly wait for none and all of us will become history someday. Yes, even Usain Bolt, Rajnikanth and Sachin Tendulkar !

मुझसे पहेले कितने शायर आये और आकर चले गए
कुछ आहें भर कर लौटगए कुछ नाघ्मे गाकर चले गए
वह भी एक पल का किस्सा थे, मै भी एक पल का किस्सा हूँ
कल तुमसे जुदा हो जाऊंगा वह आज तुम्हारा हिस्सा हूँ !

कल और आयेंगे नाघ्मों की खिलती कलियाँ चुननेवाले
मुझसे बहेतर कहेनेवाले तुमसे बहेतर सुननेवाले
कल कोई मुझको याद करे, क्यूँ कोई मुझको याद करे
मसरूफ ज़माना मेरे लिए क्यूँ वक़्त अपना बर्बाद करे ?



SPun Doctor Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

The Wrists that launched a Thousand Flicks !

What do I feel now ? When I saw Yahoo headline, "VVS Laxman retires..." I thought he would do it after the New Zealand series. But it went on "... with immediate effect" !

Well, his timing never deserted him. He said he is making way for the younger generation. What better way than give them the cushion of playing on home soil ? Salutes to Laxman for being VVS !

The Gods of Eden !

People are writing a lot of wonderful things about Laxman. I am not as gifted with words. So I have to do it my way. What do I think now ? What all things come to my mind now ? I can write a thousand things, but will settle for 10 things that come straight from the heart !

281 and Eden: The Best Ever Cricket Innings by an Indian !

Wrists: That on-drove Shane Warne through mid-wicket !

Flicks: That gave us so many kicks as he batted along with the "Wall" of bricks !

Gentleman: Who enthralled us with his wrists, smile and magnificent demeanor !

VVS: Very Very Slow, Very Very Silent, Very Very so many more things yet he'll forever be remembered as Very Very Special !

Tail: There may be many who can be branded Talisman in Indian Cricket. But there was only one Tailsman; VVS Laxman.

ODI: He was a gentleman who didn't believe in one night or rather one day stands and hence never really flicked or clicked in ODI Cricket.

Fourth Innings: If VVS joins the Commentary team on any channel after retirement, the program will thenceforth be known as "Tail-lines from the Fourth Innings".

Australia: 18 August will henceforth be celebrated as Independence day in Australian Cricket. Now they are forever free from the tyrannical artistry of VVS !

Finally... 

Artistry: What do we call a book on the batting artistry of VVS ?
"The Wrists that launched a Thousand Flicks !"



#SPun Doctor

Random Cricket Headlines !

This is Radio Doctoring the Balls 99.99. Cricket Headlines brought to you by Dr. Balls.

Shahid Afridi didn't announce retirement from any form of Cricket today.

Sachin Tendulkar's legs were not trembling when he registered his first vote in the Rajya Sabha because Shoaib Aqtar was not present in the house at that time. Shahid Afridi has confirmed this report.

Kevin Peitersen has appointed Shahid Afridi as his 'Retirement Coach' and Mohammed Yousuf will act as a Consultant on retirement plans.

On grounds of anonymity, a BCCI insider has confided to Dr. Balls that Gautam Gambhir lost his Vice-Captaincy not on disciplinary grounds. Since GG is actually 2G, the BCCI patronized by Sharad Pawar didn't want to be seen promoting anything even remotely related to 2G.

What do the juniors in Team India call Sehwag behind him ? Virus [Viru S] !

Former Australia Captain Ricky Ponting's Biography has been titled, "Rickypedia". The contents have been kept top secret. But Dr. Balls promises to bring out a preview even before it is written and plans to call it, "Rickyleaks".

Amnesty International is not amused because Kapil Dev has joined Rapidex advanced English speaking course to understand the meaning of Amnesty !

After injuries to two international Wicket-keepers Mark Boucher and Kumar Sangakkara, Pakistan fans sincerely hope they'll be third time lucky with Kamran Akmal aka Kakmal.

India and Sri Lanka have decided not to play another 5 match ODI series in near future. Sri Lanka because they fear Virat Kohli will become the first ever player to score 100 centuries against same team and India because BCCI saw too many empty stands during the last series.

Manoj Tiwari says, 'You improve mentally when you are a part of Team India'. What he means is when you compete with reservation candidates like Rohit Sharma, your performance is bound to improve.

Pakistan offers to play their home series against India in India.

Mahindra set to sponsor Sri Lanka Premier League. Sri Lankan fans fear it is Rajapaksa and Indian fans believe it is their own Captain Cool Dhoni. 

Tiwary is a serious contender for a regular place in ODI team: says Coach Fletcher. Rohit Sharma runs crying to Dhoni and is pacified by the Captain saying, "Don't worry, we can always REST Viru Sehwag".

After Andrew Strauss dropped himself down the order during second test, Alistair Cook was heard telling his mates, "We'd be better off if he drops himself from the team". Broad has declared all this as baseless.

And finally the tail-line:
Away from Cricket, though Mary Kom apologized to the nation for not bringing the Gold, she has reasons to cheer. Manappuram Gold Loan people have expressed willingness to sanction Gold Loan against her bronze medal so that she can buy LPG cylinders in her state.

SPun Doctor Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.blogspot.in/

India - Sri Lanka Series: The Abnormal Analysis !

Another India - Sri Lanka limited overs Cricket series came to an end and India came out winners. They won the ODI series 4-1 and the lone match of the T-20 series. It has already been dissected by everyone from Yahoo to ESPN Crickinfo. So I find no fun in doing it in normal. So here is my 'abnormal analysis' of the series.

The total time Rohit [Nohit] Sharma spent at the batting crease in the 5 matches was no longer than the time Ashok Dinda takes to return to his run up.

WOE-HIT SHARMA

The series will seriously be remembered as "The Return of the Pathan" series. Irfan wants to save Tigers but he was definitely too hot for the Lions.

Dhoni believes in the adage "Faith moves mountains". But all his faith failed to get Nohit Sharma's feet moving as he was either bowled or LBW throughout the series.

Manoj Tiwari struggled in the field because he had difficulty in getting rid of the feeling of the bench stuck to his bottom.

The lone T-20 match series had a Man-of-the-match and a Man-of-the-series. And both were different people. They had an award for everyone and only person who didn't recieve an award was Sanjay Manjrekar.

Rohit Sharma should have got the "Best Survivor" award sponsored by Kitply, the termite proof plywood.

Luckily the "T-20 Series" was a one match affair. If this was a 3 match series, the presentation ceremony would have gone on even after the Olympics.

After the ODI series, I remember Bachchan's famous dialogue to Vinod Khanna in 'Amar Akbar Anthony': "Hey Inspector, tune appun ko bahut maara, appun ne tereko sirf ek maara. Par jo maara woh solid maara, hai ki nahin ?" Sri Lanka won just one match against India's 4. But they won that one match in solid style by chasing India's total in under 20 overs.

What is common between Rohit Sharma and Manmohan Singh ? 'Time' labelled Singh as Underachiever. Time and again Nohit has proved to be Underachiever !

The SPCA [Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals] might sue Virat Kohli for targeting the Lankan Lions so consistently and brutally.

Zaheer Khan bowled so many wides in the series, it looked as if he was inspired by "Isha Sharvani's Jhalak".

Rahul Sharma's performance was hampered by the 'grass' on the outfield. 

But most important abnormal analysis about the series happened in the Parliament House in Delhi where Sachin Tendulkar demanded that the 'Zero hour' in the parliament be renamed 'Hundred hour' because Zero is inauspicious !






SPun Doctor Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

Rohit Sharma: Demand for a DNA Test !

After finding nothing interesting to write on Cricket for over 100 days, I return to write on Cricket because of the magnitude of the event that is happening right now.

I have always considered Dhoni as an extremely recalcitrant Captain who will play some of his favorites with the 'come what may' attitude and will keep some away with equal passion. He has done that with Ravindra Jadeja before and now it is Rohit [Nohit] Sharma. Everyone following Cricket in India must have felt dismayed to see the name of Rohit in the India list this afternoon and Rohit hasn't belied our belief in him !

So much so, even people not even remotely connected to Cricket have expressed anguish, anger and exasperation. Here are some of the reactions pouring in as India slide towards another defeat thanks to a middle order batsman who can't score a run but can't be dropped either.

Anna Hazare: I have decided to go on an indefinite fast till Rohit Sharma is dropped from the team. Cricket is sustained by the Aam Aadmi's money and not by the BCCI, Selectors or the Captain's whims. We need a strong Jan Team-Pal bill. This bill will ensure that the Indian team for every match will be selected by people's vote.

Rahul Gandhi: I will ensure 18% reservation for Muslims in the team. Yusuf Pathan, Mohammed Kaif, Mohammed Azaruddin and other Muslims just don't get chances while Rohit Sharma can go on and on because he is a Sharma.

Kapil Sibal: We can prove that this is NOT Indian National Team. This is Indian Notional Team. How can one man continue to enjoy immunity while others have to perish even if they perform.

Mamta Banerjee: This is all about Pawar Politics. This is clear injustice to Kolkotta, I mean Bengal. Manoj Tiwari doesn't get chances because he is from Bengal and Rohit continues to play because he has support of Mumbai lobby. We will protest and will withdraw support to the Central Government if the Prime Minister doesn't intervene in this matter.

Baba Ramdev: Rohit Sharma's kundli's are bad. He needs to concentrate and for that he has to come to me and I'll teach him Yoga and then he'll start scoring runs like the flow of Ganga !

Sachin Tendulkar: Rohit is very talented. He and Virat Kohli will break my record of 100 centuries. Mmmm, I mean, Virat might score about 90 and anyone who gets as many chances as Rohit can certainly score 10 centuries if he plays for 10 years. We can't forget Zimbabwe are back in the business. Together they will break my record.

Saurav Ganguly: I am seriously thinking of reconsidering  my retirement options. With my records, I can still come back into the team and I am not half as bad as this guy Rohit who has got more chances than Me, Manoj, Yusuf, Laxmi Shukla and entire Bengal team have got.

Sharad Pawar: All this is nonsense. Rohit is a very talented and Pawar-ful boy. He is miffed because he has not got the No. 2 position in the team. You give him that position and he will start raking in heavily.

Sunil Gavaskar: If we look carefully, Rohit has got bowled or LBW in last 3 matches. Which means he has got out to good balls. He hasn't thrown his wicket away because he values it. Give him some time to settle down; may be 2 - 3 years or 4 and he'll be fine.

Yusuf Pathan: I can win matches from any position. But to win matches, I have to get chances to win from any position. Rohit is failing from any position he bats and I have to just sit and watch from any position.


M. S. Dhoni: Well of course, these things happen in Cricket. He's a brilliant player going through a bad patch. We're confident, he'll overcome that. And you must remember I am a wicket-keeper and just can't afford to drop ! We might think of resting Sehwag in next match to accommodate Manoj Tiwari who might be rusting !

Rahane, Tiwari and many others: We demand DNA test for Rohit Sharma too to find out "Yeh kaunsa bade Baap ka Beta hai !"







SPun Doctor Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

Sachin Tendulkar: Bharat Ratna and beyond !

Anticipatory Bail: I am an ordinary Indian in love with Cricket. I harbor no ill-will against any Cricketer including Sachin Tendulkar. I have made my admiration for him more than obvious in the past. But it hurts to see the personality cult completely overshadowing the wonderful game in India.

I can never forget or overlook the fact that India missed an Asia Cup Final berth largely due to SRT's 100th 100 becoming more important to a nation than a win. But since 'some' SRT fans can go to ridiculous lengths and depths to defend him and revere him, I might have to guard myself and my family against attacks. I take that risk because for me Cricket is greater than Sachin Tendulkar.

People's overwhelming demand for 'Bharat Ratna' for Sachin Tendulkar stands Viratified. So it is just a formality and just a matter of time now. The 'Future God' of Indian Cricket has endorsed the 'Reigning God' and let us get ready to celebrate the 'Holy event'.

A lot of people believed the Cricket World Cup was lucky to have been held by Sachin Tendulkar and many more think Bharat Ratna will be honored by associating with SRT.

After meeting a lot of people and getting to the bottom of a million discussions, Dr. Balls our Cricket Crazy Indian has come up with a modifiable and further expandable list of honors to be conferred upon the God. He believes if we can make it to 100 without waiting for a whole year, that would be a great honor for all Indians. Here is the list...

Apart from the confirmed Bharat Ratna, Sachin Tendulkar should also be honored with following awards...

1] Dada Saheb Phalke Award: For his acting skills. The National awards and Filmfare awards are too small for him.

2] Jnan Peetha Award: Some day, he is going to write his memoirs, if and when he retires. The greatest honor for literary excellence should be his for taking. Why not hand it over to him right now as "Anticipatory Award" ?

3] Dronacharya Award: From Sehwag to Kohli to Bhajji to Arjun Tendulkar; everyone was inspired to play Cricket by SRT. Sunil Gavaskar was inspired by Tendulkar's genius even before he was born. Tendulkar should get this one with immediate effect.

4]  Param Veer Chakra: He has fought so many 'one man army' battles over the past 23 years for Team India. So the minimum recognition would be to decorate the 'Param Veer Chakra' with Sachin Tendulkar.

5] Tansen Award:  His name retrospectively inspired R. D. Burman's father to be named Sachin Dev Burman and India's music Diva Lata Mangeshkar is his fan. That should be qualification enough for SRT to receive the Tansen Award. And it is 'music' to the ears of millions of his followers when he says in his musical voice, "I have always played for the country and never for personal milestones" !

6] Emerging India Business Award: The pinnacle of business award should recognize the yeoman service rendered by SRT in the field of business. Selling Pepsi, running restaurants, selling second hand Ferrari [which he got with a duty waiver] and then selling just about anything his managers have suggested; he has done it all. And more importantly, thousands like Harsha Bhogle and Ravi Shastri to even Katy Perry have made a life and living out of praising Sachin Tendulkar.

7] Indian Council of Agricultural Research [ICAR] Award: SRT deserves this award. We don't have to give reasons for everything.

Those readers who don't want to kill me might as well suggest more awards to be honored by Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar !





SPun Doctor

Why Cricket is Religion in the Land of Zero ?

 Why Cricket is Religion in the Land of Zero ? Or Why Cricket is Mathematics ?

Disclaimer: This is an original research article and hence might appear extremely long. Any perceived humor in any part of this article is unintended and is purely accidental like the 23.5 degree bend of Saeed Ajmal's elbow. If any part / parts of this piece appear disjointed like Suresh Raina's technique, that too is coincidental. The author holds all copyrights over the article. Any reproduction of any part of this post done any time in the past by anyone should be considered as pardonable acts of flattery.

While I was bothered by India missing out on an Asia Cup Final berth, most of India was busy celebrating Tendulkar’s 100^th 100. So I was wondering, “Is there something wrong with me ? Why am I hurt so much when even the players don’t appear to be hurt by losing the Asia Cup crown they had held thus far ?”

A Soccer fan on Facebook who hates Cricket pestered me a lot the other day. He refused to recognize Cricket World Cup and believed Soccer fans are jovial and Cricket fans turn violent if someone derides Cricket. He used a lot of convoluted logic and then demanded that I must give up on Cricket because I happen to be a Doctor and because one of his teachers believed Cricket meant Crick [whatever that meant].

After banishing him to pavilion, oops oblivion; I sat down and thought; “Why is Cricket so popular in India ? And why do I love it so much ?”. Since I am a hardcore Indian, who has never ventured out of the borders, if I find an answer to why Indians love Cricket so much, we’ll know the answer to why I love it so much !

Here is what I have come to understand why the game is so humongous in India ! The reason is Cricket is a religion in India and we knew it long ago. We have the proof for that and will give a link at the end of this post.

We Indians found out ‘Zero’ and we hold on to the Zero with all the love, affection and even jingoism. We celebrate ‘Numbers’ and Mathematics. Just take a look at our festivals, “Nav Ratra or Dusshera”. They denote numbers. Just imagine the Australians referring to the Don as “99.94 Sir Don Bradman” ! That never happens. But we revere our Swamis with “108 Sri So and So Swami” and “1008 Sri So and So Swami” and so on.

I am often confused about our rituals ‘Sahasra Kumbhabhishekam’, ‘Laksharchana’, “Shata-Koti Rama-naama Japa Utsav” and many such magnificent numbers. I don’t know if we are celebrating the Gods or the numbers. No wonder we are brought up with imposition like “Write this 500 times”.

When someone completes 84 years and 4 months, we celebrate "Sahasra Poorna Chandra Darshan" that indicates the person has witnessed 1000 full moons. That is apart from the small numbers like "Shasti poorti" or 60th birthday or "Sapthathi" or 70th birthday. We also celebrate western influenced Silver, Golden, Diamond and Platinum jubilees. We are a land of an over a billion number of people who love celebrating numbers and landmarks; more the merrier !

We have a Trinity of Gods and many Cricket fanatic Indians equate the 3 Stumps to the 3 Gods; Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. We have 33 Crore Gods and we adore a man with over 33,000 international runs as God. How we love our bloated numbers can be understood by taking a look at our ‘Puranas’. 

The creator Brahma had four heads. Vishnu had four hands and Shiva had a ‘Third eye’. Cricket maniacs would love to compare Shiva with ‘Third Umpire’ or the four hands of Vishnu with a ‘Boundary Hit’. A ‘Sixer’ will be equated to ‘Shanmukha’ the God with six faces who went around the world on a peacock, again the national bird of India.

Imagine what Ravan would have done as a Bowler !

Even our villains were no lesser. Ravan was supposed to have had 10 heads, though one always wonders how he managed symmetry and equilibrium with that rather odd looking even number of heads. If Ravan were to play Cricket, would he be considered as one player or ten different players ? Very tough question before the ICC. Thankfully I am not on the ICC and neither is Ravan playing Cricket today.

Cricket Sri Lanka would have done their best to prove that was a congenital deformity that he was born with 10 heads and 20 hands. Murali with just 2 hands was more than a handful for the batsmen. Imagine the confusion the batsman would have faced as to which hand was Ravan going to bowl. Just mind-boggling !

Well, I have digressed from numbers to Ravan. Let me come back to Cricket and the love for numbers. No other sport celebrates numbers like Cricket. We have half-century, century, double century, triple century, quadruple century and a fifty between each landmark. We have five-for as a matter of celebration for a bowler and then 10 wickets in a match. We have seen different kinds of celebrations by different batsmen on reaching the coveted mark. Why a century ? We even had a player do an impromptu dance on the pitch after hitting a six !

Every time Sachin Tendulkar steps on the ground, he is creating a new record. He will retire with the record of holding the most number of records in any sport. I think he already has crossed a century of them; the number of records he is holding.

Every moment in a Cricket match brings out numbers. Kids who play or watch Cricket regularly will be very sound in Mathematics. They will calculate the required run-rate after every over and will be full and thorough with their fractions. How a required rate of 6.15 RPO becomes 6.67 after a maiden over; only a Cricket kid can tell. No other kids can do the Maths in the mind like the Cricket kids. The economy rate, the RPO, the batting average, the bowling average and the strike rate; Cricket has numbers within numbers within numbers and then more numbers, records and then Sachin Tendulkar.

Most of the games and sporting events are over and done within minutes, hours or at worst a day. Mike Tyson had once finished a boxing bout even before people could settle down in their seats. Whereas a Cricket Test match lasts almost a third of an entire Olympic game or a Grand-slam Tennis tourney, 2 days longer than the Davis Cup Final and almost as long as a North Indian wedding discounting the first night. Cricket is nothing but pure and unadulterated Mathematics simplified and made enjoyable for all age groups !

Diving deeper into the matter of Maths, Cricket is played inside an Oval with a quadrilateral pitch in the middle with cylindrical stumps on both ends of the pitch. The ball is a perfect sphere, though it can change shapes when certain highly talented bowlers are in action. The bat and ball have specified weight and size guidelines. We have square cut and square drive which actually are played square of the wicket but somehow end up at point or third-man.

The good batsman is expected to play within the 'V' or the triangle. A bowler's wrist, elbow and the shoulder should have prescribed angles unless he is born with a deformity or has acquired one due to an accident. The concepts of 'line and length' can never be explained better in any other sport. Ajit Agarkar and Irfan Pathan will stand testimony to this. Ask Sehwag about the horizontal bat and Dravid about the straight bat. This simply is a limitless list.

Look at the fielding places. Silly point isn't silly at all; they place the best fielder there. We have slips from where thing very rarely slip. Then there is square leg and squarish gully. Fine Third man from one side becomes long on from the other. Mid-wicket is actually far from the mid point of the wicket. Covers and extra-covers often uncover the best of Cricket.

An Indian's love for Cricket is nothing but an extension of the love for numbers and Mathematics. And people think we are crazy, lazy, unproductive and waste time. Far from it, we actually celebrate Mathematics which is the foundation of all that is Science. Those who don't know Cricket will never understand this. In fact, I strongly believe those who hate Cricket are actually bad in Mathematics. I vehemently recommend, we should teach Cricket to all our kids to drive the fear of Mathematics from their minds !

All original research articles tend to be quite long like this one had turned out to be. There already is a Prequel to this. Readers who haven't exhausted their patience or slept off or not lost consciousness are advised to revise their knowledge with the help of the exhaustive original research article.

We will come back with more details, once people are able to read, understand and digest this piece of wisdom !

SPun Doctor

100 Things that will happen Thanks to 100th 100 !

Finally 'THAT' thing is out of our system. 'THAT' was eating into us like a worm, like a Cancer and like a pain in the arse. That thing every second Indian was bothered by and which in turn used to bother every first Indian.

It was so bad, even our Finance Minister dished out a dead duck for a budget. It was in fact so bad, even Anna Hazare forgot to fast. It was so miserably bad that Kapil Sibal had become redundant and people had forgotten Digvijay Singh.

People hardly realized India lost 8 successive overseas tests by margins that got larger and larger. The whole team was busy thinking "Have I made it Large Enough ?". They couldn't even beat a quarter strength West Indies convincingly and mostly scraped through a home test series.

The retirement of Rahul Dravid was brushed off with, "Well of course, he was there too. Fine, let's say bye to him". During his press conference, more people were interested to know Rahul's opinion on when 'THAT' would happen ?"

We haven't measured if he lost 50 kilos, but the team certainly lost at least 25 runs thanks to the crawl. And 'THAT' celestial event has finally happened and it has not sunk in yet. But it did sink the team against Bangladesh and in turn out of the Asia Cup Final.

Virat Kohli can go on playing blinders to give India a chance to qualify for the Finals. But for most of us, only ONE thing mattered. It was 'THAT' milestone. India return home empty-handed with the aluminum spoon [Sri Lanka took the wooden spoon]. But what the heck ? We have the record, right ?

No Asia Cup, So what ? We have a Milestone !

But on the positive side; finally, well and truly the damned 100th 100 is done and over with. One man's milestone had become a millstone around the neck for 'Ten' more people inside the team and a billion outside. Here is a list of 100 things that are bound to happen now and we can say, "Thank You Sachin !"

1] Team India can play 'Normal' Cricket now and not be bothered by when 'THAT' would happen.

2] Suresh Raina will finally raise above the short ball and manage to keep it down..

3] Sachinists will finally realize there are 11 members in a Cricket team [hopefully].

4] Virat Kohli will carry the burden of the No. 3 and not only the 'Finger No. 3'

5] Some day in near future, when Sachin Tendulkar scores a 100, Team India will actually win a match.

6] Irfan Pathan will bowl 6 good balls in an over.

7] Virendar Sehwag will finally be dropped for non-performance and 'not merely be rested'.

8] Gautam Gambhir will begin to run sensibly; between the wickets I mean.

9] Dhoni will finally win a toss when it matters or even when it doesn't.

10] Team India will manage to draw an overseas test.

Since we all are already exhausted by a 100th 100, I don't want the readers [howsoever small the number might be] to suffer another torture. So here I 'retire', hoping to be at least 10 kilos lesser after this ordeal !

Congratulations Bangladesh for making the Finals of Asia Cup by beating 2 stronger teams convincingly. You deserve to be in the Final because you don't have anyone even closer to 10 centuries, leave alone 100. Good for you !

And Thank You Sachin !





SPun Doctor

Divided Colors of Blue !

Though the camaraderie on display on camera between Dhoni and Sehwag looked good; every Indian Cricket supporter knows, the split is out there gaping in open. And it isn't 'Bleeding Blue' any more. The team has hemorrhaged to near death. How could a Team that scaled the pinnacle of World Cup in April 2011 be so pathetically down in the dumps in February 2012 ?

Divided We Stand !

The Viru - Mahi war was always on. If not for Anil Kumble's insistence during the tour down under in 2007, Sehwag the Superstar would have been history. Dhoni would not have touched him with a barge pole if not for the match saving century at Adelaide 4 years ago.

Dhoni has shown clear preference to anyone other than Sehwag in the ODI scheme of things and he can't be faulted for that. Viru's records in ODI Cricket are just a little better than mediocre. During 2007 - 08, Sehwag was also a member of a team that was up and coming. In 2012, he is 'The Sehwag' who is back to playing the ball rather than the bowlers.

Is this divide in the team a new phenomenon triggered by a successive defeats ? Will it be fine once the team gets back to winning ways ? Far from it, the split was always there right from 2010 March and perhaps even before.

Let us go back to the Bangladesh series in March 2010 when Sehwag called Bangladesh an ordinary test team before the series. Sehwag captained India in the absence of Dhoni in the first test at Chittagong and played Amit Mishra ahead of Pragyan Ojha. Mishra went on to claim 7 wickets in the match and also scored a 50 as night watchman in Indian second innings.

This performance should have ensured a place for Mishra in the second test. It wasn't as if Pragyan Ojha was a Zaheer Khan or a Harbhajan Singh to walk into the team. But alas, Dhoni preferred to play Ojha instead. From that day, the Dhoni - Sehwag cold war has been on; like it or not.

India's subsequent performances through most of 2010 to the 2011 World Cup campaign were driven by an aim of winning the world cup. Sehwag had come across as someone not interested in Captaincy when he relinquished the Delhi Ranji Team and the Delhi Daredevils Captaincy in favor of Gambhir. Who refueled his Captaincy ambitions is unknown. But after the World Cup, he has time and again shown more than eagerness to lead India.

Dhoni hasn't covered himself in glory too. Right from dropping a Mishra to time and again undermining both the Pathans, he has played his role in demolishing the team spirit. His ad campaign mocking Harbhajan Singh was definitely the beginning of the end of Men in Blue as a team. Team India until then was all about United Colors of Blue in spite of minor skirmishes involving Sreesanth and Bhajji and such trivialities.

The fissure that erupted with this has left Bhajji out of favor, Viru out of flavor, Dhoni the martyr and Sachin Tendulkar eternally short of 100 ! That Tendulkar who was proud to be part of a team that carried him on shoulders on 2 April 2011 must be asking himself, "Mai Kaun hoon Mai Kahaan hoon !"

So who are the culprits ? 

Answer: All parties involved. 

The CB series was going fairly fine till Dhoni's bizarre tactics while chasing lead to enormous heart burns in the dressing room. Gambhir is right in his view but wrong in expressing it openly. Declaring Dhoni the Man of the Match in the tied game was like adding insult to injury. He ran out Gambhir, then Pathan and then ended up squaring a match India should have won comfortably. Did the adjudicators give him the MOM just to create further dissension in the team ? We will never know.

India didn't just lose 2 points with that tie. The damage was much more than that. It would have been India 4 vs 0 for Sri Lanka. Instead, it was 2-2 and that means 0-0. So how many points did India lose ?  The answer is 4 and that is why India are out of the tournament today ! Sri Lanka derived enormous mileage from that tie and India lost the initial advantage. They haven't won anything since then and are unlikely to win anything again.

Sehwag's refusal to learn or perhaps deliberate callousness is glaring. Gambhir went way beyond his jurisdiction when he unleashed his injudicious diction in a press meet. Tendulkar could have played peace-maker but he seems to be preoccupied with the 100. 

The youngsters had their opportunities to stake stronger claim. But Raina and Rohit have time and again thrown away starts with stupid batting. Bowlers have often been all over the park and 2 of the highest scores in the series were scored against India, naturally.

Overall, the Men in Blue are going through blues and have been beaten black and blue on this tour down under. They deserve this hammering and all the criticism. If the divide is not attended and the BCCI and Selectors decide on this continued Ostrich like approach, it will be doomsday soon.

So what is the solution ? Let Sehwag, Dhoni, Sachin, Gambhir and everyone know 'Nobody is indispensable, NOBODY'. Send a completely new junior team to the Asia Cup. If full strength team with all seniors can lose like this, the Team India fans can derive some solace if the juniors lose too. They have nothing to lose. And who knows ? We might again see a new dawn like the 2007 T-20 World Cup win. 

Even if that doesn't happen, we would still be better off teaching our next generation that even Sehwag, Gambhir and Dhoni were not spared ! Until and unless the feuding Stalwarts sort out the problems between them, keep them out. We have over half a year before we play another test.

Unless the runs flow, no Superstar can forever be so !

SPun Doctor Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

Debacle Down Under: Postmortem of a White Wash !

Since the people who have scripted great overseas triumphs are already back in the hut, we can assume India will lose the Adelaide test by more than 250 if not 300 runs. So let me do the postmortem of the series straightaway. I am in a hurry and want to do it before anyone else does it.

There are too many people to take things seriously and work on strategies for revival of Team India. Hence let me take a look at the lighter side of the battle 'Agneepath' that never was.

Ravichandran Ashwin, the only Indian face that was available for post-match meet the press throughout the tour gives us the detailed report. "Here are the reasons for the debacle", said Ashwin ,"Pick your choice".

1] BCCI: hasn't delivered on the promises made to players after our World Cup win. Most of us were not even born when India won the Cup last time. So we expected better treatment from the Board. We sent a warning during West Indies tour by not attempting a win in the third test. BCCI didn't heed the warning and thus it is 8-0 overseas now. We aren't embarrassed because what else can we do to show our displeasure ?

2] Poonam Pandey: is worse than the BCCI. She too has deceived us. She failed to keep her promise to strip if we won. Team India have thus decided to strip ourselves of all that we held when we won the World Cup on 2 April 2011.

3] Anna Hazare: is an honest man and needs the support of every Indian including Team India. Hence we  want to support Anna Hazare on his demand for a strong 'Jan Lokpal' bill. Till the 'Bill' is passed, we promise we wouldn't win a single match offshore.

4] Brahmagupta, Aryabhata, Mayans or to whomsoever it may concern: Those who invented 'Zero' are responsible for the sorry plight of Indian Cricket today. Had it not been invented, we wouldn't be having 10. Thus Tendulkar and in turn an entire nation wouldn't have been burdened by the number 10 times 10 that is 100.

5] Clarke: Average Indians are tormented by the omnipotent, bribe seeking Clerk in Government offices. Being 'true blue' Indians, we too have a mental clock against anything that remotely sounds like Clerk. That is why they simply can't get Clarke out of our system !

6] The Off Stump: is where all the problems lie because it is always off and never on. It so terribly disturbs us Indians and we end up groping all over.

7] The Umpires and Referees: They simply didn't cheat or target us this time. There was no fighting spirit because both the irritant [Symonds] and the galvanizer [Bhajji] were not there this time. We never draw first blood you see, we always avenge atrocities; real or imaginary.

8] The World Cup of woes: It isn't our fault. It is just history repeating itself. We have heard India lost badly even at home after winning the World Cup in 1983. We have lost only away and not at home. Nobody is ashamed in the dressing room because everyone is wearing at least underwear. And none of us have taken off the shirt and swung it wildly like some of our detractors did in the past.

9] Seniors: have guided us well as to how to handle defeat. Once we know how to handle that, we will be able to handle everything in life. The seniors just want us to get used to this feeling before they leave. After winning and being No. 1 team for almost 2 years, they didn't want all the blame to fall on us juniors when they quit and we suddenly start to lose. They are magnanimous and have copped all the criticism.

10] Juniors: have always believed failure is the stepping stone to success. We will come out stronger. You can already see the signs of that in Umesh and Virat's performances. We all know it can't get any worse, so only way from here is upwards and we will rise from the Ashes, oops Thrashes !

The Positives !

Well of course, now I will have to meet my CSK Captain, I mean India Captain Dhoni to find out if all these reasons are enough or we need to formulate more. So kindly excuse me. I will come back with more if you people are not satisfied.



SPun Doctor
Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

BCCI Agenda for Resurrection of Cricket !

Team India Down Under, Down Under: How to lift them up ?

Team  India's worst tour of Australia is on and things are getting worse by the day. Let us look at the pre-tour hype and the situation that prevailed and then how things have unfolded since the fall of Tendulkar at the fag end of day-2 at Melbourne. From 214/2, India have just withered away and wilted.

Australia were in dire straits. They were beaten by New Zealand and were bowled out for 48 by South Africa very recently. Ponting and Hussey have been out of form for longer than anyone could care to remember. They were going to miss the Iconic All-rounder Shane Watson and Pat Cummins from the beginning. Harris and Marsh missed half of the test and then James Pattinson got injured. Thus good number of cream of the present Aussie team have missed the major part of Cricket that has been played so far.

India on the other hand were in full strength with the exception of Praveen Kumar. So this was touted as India's best chance to win a test series down under. But what has happened how ? First test was lost on day 5, second on day 4 and third within minutes of lunch break on day 3. At this rate, the Adelaide test might get over on day-2. Srikkanth is totally devastated and Dhoni has declared himself to be the main culprit. The BCCI believes the performance has not been up to the mark.

Hence a very high level meeting of the BCCI, Selectors and former players was held. Since it was to be a high level and top secret meeting, it was held at Siachen Glacier. Whatever happened in the meeting has been recorded in the minutes. But all that can't be divulged. BCCI has come out with an agenda for the resurrection of Team India and the fortunes of Indian Cricket. And the document has been forwarded to ICC.

The 10 point agenda the BCCI has approved for the rejuvenation of Cricket.

01] Ghaas Poos is serious health hazard: The main problem seems to be Indians are allergic to grass and that hampers their performance seriously. Hence no grass should be allowed to exist on any pitch where India have to play. Even Ivan Lendle had declared, "Grass is for cows". Indian players are not cows, they are Tigers. Tigers at home to be precise. So henceforth ICC should make sure that a herd of cows is deployed at all venues where Team India are to play test matches. The grazing cows will ensure the pitch will be devoid of grass. And all the hoof marks will makes sure our spinners can get purchase from day one. 

02] Speed Breakers: We all know speed thrills but it also kills. All the speed bowling in England and India has almost killed Indian Cricket. ICC 'must' realize almost two thirds of revenue filling the ICC coffers comes from Indian Cricket, if not three fourths. If Indian supporters stop watching Cricket, ICC can shut shop. So all fast bowlers operating against India 'must' be fitted with speed-breakers with immediate effect. None should bowl faster that 125kmph or whatever is the average speed at which Vinay Kumar bowled in the previous match; whichever is slower. 

03] Three day Tests: When India travel abroad, all tests should be restricted to just 3 days and not 5 days. We first have to give them a realistic chance to draw a test before we can think of winning again. And during these 3 days, lunch break should be extended to 90 minutes and tea break to 30 minutes. The breaks happen to be the best part of tests played by India these days, because no wickets fall during these period. This also ensures a lot more scope for advertizements and that means more money for ICC. 

04] No Slip ups please: "Indian batsmen are like faithful husbands, they perform only at home", tweeted Poonam Pandey. But an insider from Team India camp on conditions of anonymity has declared, "Indian players are disappointed that Poonam has not kept her word of stripping if India won the World Cup. Hence they are disappointed". The faithful husbands that they are, they hate all the gossiping by the Aussie wicket-keeper and slip fielders. Hence no slip fielders should be allowed to stand within the 30 yard circle when Indian 'Top Order Batsmen' bat. 

05] Field restrictions: It has been noticed by BCCI that too many fielders are seen in the field blocking his shots when Rahul Dravid is batting. Though that is distracting him, the gentleman has never complained. But it is distracting him and he is falling over his own feet to be bowled again and again and then again. So he should be allowed to make 3 changes in the field when he bats. He is the first and only Indian to support the lie-detector test suggested by ICC. Hence he should get this privilege to place 3 fielders of his choice anywhere he wants to. That could even be the dressing room. 

06] Save Tigers Campaign: Tigers and Indian batsmen have many things in common. The main thing in common is both are endangered species. Whole world is campaigning to save tigers. We advocate with equal fervor for a campaign to save our 'Tigers at home'. Henceforth, Team India should be allowed to play all away tests in India. To differentiate home and away tests, ESPN-Star Sports will telecast 'away series' and any channel chosen by BCCI will telecast home matches. This is more than enough for people to differentiate a home and away series. 

07] The Demons to be exorcised: Some channels believe there are demons in the mind of Sachin Tendulkar that are preventing him from scoring the hundredth ton. Those demons seem to be affecting the entire team too. Whatever has to be done to exorcise the demons must be done and an away series against Bangladesh followed by one against Zimbabwe should be arranged; both to be played in India. Once he gets his century of century, all the pressure will be off and Indians can get back to the business of playing Cricket. 

08] Benefits of IPL not being utilized: IPL is a magnificent event with a lots of glamor, lights, action, champagne, cheer girls, beer girls and Vijay Mallya. But what is the use ? Many of these selfish English and Australian Cricketers avoid IPL and concentrate only on their national teams. This is making Test Cricket a lopsided contest. Poor selfless Indians are toiling to play IPL, CL-T20, ODIs, Tests and if they get spare time, they also play Cricket with kids and Moms in the rain. They do all this even at the cost of West Indies tour. These selfish guys like Clarke and Cook should be immediately made to sign up for IPL. If they don't relent, they should be barred from playing international Cricket. We believe in providing everyone with a level playing field with lots of cracks in the pitches and no grass as mentioned earlier. 

09] Word Cricket means India: Today, World Cricket and even the 'Word' Cricket means India. We don't have to elaborate on this. If India go on getting humiliated like this on every tour and end up at the bottom of the table, people of India will give up on Cricket as Rahul Dravid rightly suspects. That means Cricket will be dead. Hence we must ensure Team India get enough chances to win and our Tigers get to feast on runs. Hence not only Zimbabwe and Kenya but UAE, Nepal, Bhutan, Afghanistan, Scotland, Greenland and every land possible should be given Test status immediately so that there are enough teams to be beaten by India. We suspect Ireland might turn out to be dangerous, hence it is better to avoid them. 

10] Final nail: DRS, Hawk eye, Eagle eye, Umpires, Third Umpires and Match Referees; all these entities have conspired to undermine Indian Cricket over the years. Hence in the larger interest of saving Cricket, the entire responsibility of running Cricket administration should be immediately handed over to an able body with 'rich' experience. Since we see nobody 'richer' than the BCCI, we deem it fit that the ICC must be immediately handed over to IPL Governing body to 'enrich' Cricket !

We believe all these measures will help in reaping short term as well as long term benefits for the financial security of Cricket. Hence ICC should follow these guidelines with immediate effect.


Signed/-


BCCI
IPL Governing body
Indias Selectors
Former Players
Team India [Signed from Go karting club in Perth]


Copy to all Cricket fans.




SPun Doctor
Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

Hunt for the Hundred and the Weight is Over !

Hundred and beyond; A preview of the aftermath of Sachin's 100th 100 !

His first international Century took a long time to come and the hundredth is taking it's own bitter time. The diehard Cricket Romantics expected an Indian win lead by Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar scoring his ton of tons in the World Cup final against Sri Lanka. Alas, that was not to be.

Since then, it has become a national obsession and even many Australians want the celestial event to happen in Australia. A TV News Channel went to the extent of dissecting the Demons in Sachin's mind. The 'Sachin ke Dimag me Shaitan' show on India TV must be rated the most obnoxious ever.

Demons in the God's Mind ?

These days, Anna Hazare stops his fast and Rakhi Sawant doesn't want to marry Baba Ramdev when Tendulkar is batting. The inmates of the Bigg Boss' house don't fight or flirt and even the evil mothers-in-law in those innumerable Saas-Bahu serials relax their scheming towards the hapless daughters-in-law.

That is the only time when Manmohan Singh isn't pestered by opposition to open his mouth. As SRT opens his account with a dab to point, Sachinists, Commentators, Comment-Tweeters and all and sundry jobless humanity begins the count down, 99...98...97... Simply put, the Century number Century becomes the most important issue in India. More important than Jan Lokpal, Inflation, Mamta's tantrums, Mayavati's elephants and Kapil Sibal's wisdom put together.

It is almost certain that everyone worth a public profile on Facebook or an @Iamimportant Twitter-arm  is ready with their piece of sound-byte on the Celestial event and are waiting to pour out as and when and if it happens. Dr. Balls always had this intuition to predict future and read minds and here he comes with a list of "Who would say what" !

Manmohan Singh: People told I am a weak and meek PM and I have shown them what I can do and Sachin has shown what he can do. Errr, Excuse me, Madam is going to talk now. I will talk to you after that if she allows me to...

Sonia Gandhi: My family has sacrificed for the independence of India and today, an Indian has managed to reach a height never attained before only because of those sacrifices. I congratulate my late Mother-in-law and my beloved husband Rajiv on this great moment. Nothing would have been possible without their dedication and sacrifices.

Rahul Gandhi: There are two Indias out there. Those who can score centuries and those who cannot even score a single run. Uncle Diggi says, we have to be ashamed of ourselves that nobody from UP has managed to score even one century in a long time and a Mumbai bred man scores 100 of them. This is what we call unequal India. Diggiji also says, we must stop Sachin from scoring any more centuries till someone from UP scores at least one century.

Digvijay Singh: There is a definite Right-wing Hindu Extremist conspiracy here. We all know Golvalkar was a communal RSS leader. Then it was Gavaskar, Vengsarkar, Shivalkar, Kanitkar, Achrekar, Agarkar and Prabhakar. And today we have Tendulkar, another Maharashtra Hindu getting all the praise. The minority batsmen have to get 33% reservation in the team. Congress party alone, under the able leadership of Sonia Gandhiji gave support to a Muslim batsman in Azaruddin. Our future Prime Minister Rahulji also wants more and more minorities and lower caste people to score centuries.

Raj Thakre: This is a proud moment for 'Marathi Manoos' in general and for Mumbai in particular. We want all taxi drivers to compulsorily change the names of their taxis to Sachin Tendulkar Taxi. Those who don't do, will be deported to UP and Bihar. And all Bangladeshis should go back to Bangladesh immediately. Because of them, we don't have place to celebrate this great achievement because they are occupying all of Mumbai.

Sharad Pawar: Me, my family, the BCCI, my party, the UPA Government and all of India join to congratulate Sachin on this record. To all those who doubted his ability to achieve this, this is a resounding slap on the face [OMG, what did I say...]

Kapil Sibal: 100 centuries is not exactly 100 centuries. I can prove to you that it is much more than that. It can be even less than that. We have to give enough weight to the variable inflation rate when we consider the number of centuries. I will ask our IIM Gurus to dig deep into this matter and we will come out with a detailed report soon.

Mayavati: Who is Sachin Tendulkar ? He has done nothing for the Bahujan people of Uttar Pradesh or India. There is not even a single statue of Sachin Tendulkar in UP. So he is not important. If he donates even ten percent of his earnings to poor people of UP, we can construct more statues of Mayavati and elephants all over UP.

Anna Hazare: Just 100 centuries is nothing. We have Politicians who have amassed hundreds of crores and that is why we need a strong Lokpal bill. We will invite Sachin Tendulkar to join us for the fast to press for the bill. He will bat a whole day without taking breakfast, lunch, drinks and tea as part of the protest.

Krishnamachari Srikkanth: Bloody-shit-it-is-over-at-last. Oh-no-I-am-a-cheap-selector-and-not-supposed-to-say-that. Well-it-all-sounds-like-dream-come-true. Anyway-this-should-be-new-year-gift-to-all-Indians-feeling-bad-about-India-losing-all-those-tests-by-big-big-margins.

Sunil Gavaskar: Records are meant to be broken. But this little Genius has created so many records, it is hard to imagine someone some day overtaking all his records. He should have got more than these hundred hundreds. Taking into account all those 80s and 90s he has made, he would have had nothing less than 125 centuries by now. But this still is 100 times magnificent.

Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Well of course, we all know he had scored 99 hundreds and if he could do that, sooner or later he would score the hundredth one too. He had scored the hundredth run 99 times before and we were quite confident he would do it one more time. It all fell in place and we can't forget the contribution of the team-mates and especially our bowlers who always gave Sachin more than enough runs to chase all these years.

Navjyot Singh Sidhu: Records and statistics my friend, are like the bikini. They expose a lot but conceal the vital. We look at 100 centuries today but haven't seen all the hard work that has gone into making those runs. Give the Devil his due at least today and accept the fact that when it comes to Sachin Tendulkar's hunger for runs, 'Sky is the Limit'. He has batted all his career while wickets tumbled like a row of cycles in a cycle stand in Ludhiana. It is not just a number or a record, it is rather a treasure; King Sachin's treasure.

Virendar Sehwag: Sachin is my idol and I have always tried to play like him. But I don't know anything about records. Who held the record before ? Was it an Indian ? Actually I was sleeping when he scored those runs and that is why I didn't know whose record was broken. 

Vinod Kambli: I never received enough support from selectors and administration. Even Sachin didn't support me when I was not scoring any runs. I would have scored 150 centuries by now if they had supported me. 

Ravi Shastri: That one went like a tracer-bullet. He went onto to up the ante at the right moment and it's all happening there now. It was a super exhibition of batsman-ship by the little Champion in front of a full house of a half empty stadium. This is a proud moment not only for India but for the entire Cricket fraternity. 

Shane Warne: My good friend has finally done it. His inner confidence stood strong during tough times and that is why I would like him to be the Indian brand ambassador for my line of inner-wear. 

Ricky Ponting: This is an inspiration to me. I went through a lean phase but decided not to give up. Now I am sure I too will be able to score more hundreds.

Shahid Afridi: His feet were really trembling when he played that last ball. I could see my LED TV vibrating as the bowler began his run up. He was definitely scared. But anyway he has got the record now and I congratulate him. We are not like Indians. They never congratulated us when we scored hundred centuries.

Brad Haddin: He has got a hundred now and all others in their team will pretty much be jealous of him and they will turn against each other. They can break easily and that will lead to complete destruction.

Virat Kohli: He has carried the burden of the nation ever since me, Suresh and Rohit were in our nappies. That is why we all carried his burden after the World Cup win. Now we ourselves would like to carry the burden of the nation from here. When I showed the finger, all I meant was that I was ready to carry the burden of the nation on my middle finger. My Delhi team-mate Ishant too gestured he is ready to take over the burden from Zaheer Bhai.

"I just said, I can carry the burden on my middle finger!"

The Common Man or Aam Aadmi: OMG, all these months of waiting for this to happen every time he batted and to see him fall short every time caused enormous heart burns. We watched match after match with Lays and Coke and Cashew nuts and Beer. All the binging due to subsequent depression and what do I see now standing on the scale ?  

THE WEIGHT IS OVER !

The list can get as unending as the wait for the hundred. Hence, as the owner of the blog, I am restraining Dr. Balls here to come out with just one more; that of 'The Sachin Tendulkar' himself.

"People kept throwing stones at me. I converted them into mile-stones and then built a palatial home with the remaining ones. People still kept throwing stones. So I have constructed a Monument now !"

SPun Doctor
Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/

Faithful Husbands: 1983 to 2011 and Back to the 90s !

After almost 2 months away from Doctoring the Balls, I am back because I have something to blog. There hardly was anything to blog home about for me in that long hiatus.

There is a sinister similarity when it comes to how India went on to win the ODI World Cup and then how their test match form dwindled like the credibility of the UPA government. From 1983, Cricket Crazy Indians had a long wait of 28 years before the summit was attained again on 2 April 2011. As I progress with this post, we will understand what are the similarities between 1983 and 2011.

The similarities begin with this photograph.

The Record-kars !

So here is what I mean by similarities.

What happened in 1983 and after that ?

Soon after the World Cup win on 25 June 1983, India huffed and puffed to draw a home test series against Pakistan. The only thing the team, the country and even the Parliament were interested in was Sunil Gavaskar scoring his 28th century in a dead as a dodo Bangalore test.

The subsequent Test series against West Indies was a disaster as the revenge of the Calypso Kings resulted in a royal 3-0 home series hiding for India. But what was the public reaction ? Indians were happy, extremely satisfied because Sunny Gavaskar managed to score his 29th and 30th test centuries at Delhi and Madras respectively. Nobody was bothered or disappointed except for the rowdy crowd at Calcutta.

Subsequently India were beaten at home by a second string England team and could not press for a win down under in 1986. They should have won both Melbourne and Sydney easily, but drew both.

In the intervening period, India won the World Championship down under in 1985, some totally inconsequential ODI series, the Asia Cups and some sundry tea cups. And then Chetan Sharma lost the last ball battle to Javed Miyandad in Sharjah to open a new chapter in Indian Cricket that lead to a total psychological domination of India by Pakistan.

All through this ODI hype and hoopla, only noteworthy test win was the 1986 conquering of the Old Blighty under Kapil Dev. But for this win, India were Tigers at home and kittens away. Like Poonam Pandey said, "They were like faithful husbands who perform only at home".

All through the 1983 to 1987 period, only thing that mattered to Indian Cricket was Sunil Gavaskar and his records. It was about 8000 Test runs, then Gary Sobers, then Boycott, then it was 29th century and then the 30th. Then he became the first batsman to scale 9000 and then the 10K mark in test Cricket described in his own language as '10 times magnificent'.

Sunil Gavaskar finally ended his batathon in 1987 with a tragic 96 at Bangalore as Pakistan managed to win their first ever test series on Indian soil. People again kept talking about how Sunny stood tall amongst ruins and conveniently forgot how another test was lost after being in a winning position for most of first 3 days.

Raj Singh Dungarpur had a brainwave and he thus disbanded the over thirty [OT] team to build the Team of the 90s. The team of 90s must be rated the most lopsided team ever. They were almost always invincible at home, and as a rule were invariably humbled abroad. They could not even beat Zimbabwe in Zimbabwe.

So what kept the interest of people in the 90s ?

Answer: Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar !

Circa 2011:

For over two decades now, I have witnessed thousands and thousands of people who rejoice when SRT scores a century even if India lose the match. I personally know many who pray for a century from their God, but not for an Indian win. Some of the Sachinists actually derive masochistic pleasure when 'He' scores and the team loses.

This isn't one bit to blame Sachin Tendulkar, the Man or the Hunk who sold his Ferrari. This is about 'Our' mentality. The mentality unique to us Indians. We claim to have invented 'Zero' and we do have a serious fetish for that entity. We love to add Zeros to our numbers and watch them swell. We just can't have enough of landmarks, records and bloody statistics.

During the entire World Cup Campaign, the print and visual media was more concerned about Sachin Tendulkar scoring a century than an Indian win. History tells us the story was the same when Sunil Gavaskar batted and today 'He-story' repeats itself.

We admire, applaud and hail Michael Clarke when he declares on the verge of a personal milestone. But when Rahul Dravid declared with Sachin on 194, Sachin, Sachinists and the entire nation went to town about how unfair it was to deny him a landmark. That same Rahul Dravid played an uncharacteristic reverse sweep to get out with a triple century in sight. He played that shot only to up the ante as Ravi Shastri would like to say. Nobody appreciated it, people just blamed him for playing a stupid shot.

Sunil Gavaskar's dislike for adventurism by batsmen when they reach 80s or 90s is legendary. We can see him seething if an Indian batsman plays a rash shot in nervous nineties. Saurav Ganguly once wanted Rahul Dravid to slow down because Ganguly was closing in on a century. RD got out immediately and neither did Saurav get his century.

Ever since he debuted as the youngest Indian to play test Cricket, SRT has created so many records, it is difficult to keep a tab on that. I think we can better count the records which he doesn't own. Gavaskar once was described as Record-kar. Well, we have a Record-kar version 2.0 today walking into the twilight of his career.

So what matters today for the average Indian ? The land mark of 100 International Centuries for SRT and nothing else. Every time India bat in a test innings, people want India to be 2 down as quickly as possible so that Sachin can come and score the hundredth ton. It is another thing that our openers have obliged the expecting fans more often than not. It appears as if even our openers and other team-mates want the Century No. 100 to be out of their system.

Today, more people were disappointed when SRT fell for 80 than when India finally lost by innings and 68 runs. Very few people are bothered by six successive massive test defeats abroad because most of them are busy worrying about the 'celestial event' of the 100th 100. This exactly is why Cricket will never lose its importance in India.

It was Sunil Gavaskar then, it is Sachin Tendulkar today and it probably will be about Virat Kohli tomorrow. What will happen to Team India ? We will continue to collapse to new lows in Tests abroad, continue to thrive in ODI Cricket and slowly but steadily return to the 90s; Tigers at home and kittens away !

And with other teams increasingly catching up with playing conditions in India, soon we might lose on our home stretch too. Even a lowly placed West Indies ran India close in the recently concluded series. South Africa have more than once shown India can be beaten at home.

So what will happen to India then ?

Well, IPL will be our Savior ! Only an Indian Team will win IPL and we can rejoice with more and more records ! Long live 'Faithful Husbands' !



SPun Doctor Also blogs @ http://diehardcricketfans.org/category/contributed/govind-raj-shenoy/