Appam, Guruvayoorappan and Sree's anth

Chinnaswamy Stadium, Bengaluru, Indian Dressing room. 3:00 PM, 23 February 2011. Closed door meeting of Team India with Gary Kirsten and his support staff.

The ICC Anti-Corruption Unit has installed secret spy cameras in all the dressing rooms. We have managed to watch this sensational video, thanks to our contacts with some bookies who have grabbed the contracts to install these cameras.

We sincerely regret our inability to provide the actual video due to copyright issues. Before anyone posts the video on Youtube and the BCCI deletes it, here it is; the commentary of the entire meeting "deferred live".

Gary, Dhoni, Sachin, Viru, Gauty, Bhajji, Zaheer and Yuvi sitting on comfortable chairs at the center of the room arranged like a thirty yard circle. Raina, Virat, Munaf, Chawla, Yusuf and Gary's support staff can be seen gracing an outer circle of chairs, like the boundary ropes.

Ashwin is loitering around outside the outer circle without knowing where he was supposed to sit. He has a cup of piping hot coffee in his left hand. He is all ears and hence the coffee is still waiting. Are we missing someone ?

Gary: Okay, everyone on board. Everyone can express opinions here. All of you are opinionators. But nothing goes outside. So let us start. We can't take England batting lightly. They chased down 293 in spite of opener KP never opening up.

Bhajji: Gary Paji, honestly none of us have expressed any opinions on Bored or anywhere else. All that is totally fabricated by some strange guys called Vibheeshan and Golden Jazz. Looking at these names, they are likely to be Sri Lankans who want to divide our united unity.  I have asked Sachin Paji to talk to Malinga about this. If I come across these guys, I will cut those hands off.

Gary: Alright Bhajji, we all know you are such a team man and you will never write a report like that.

Yuveraj: What report ? Bhajji can't even SMS properly. Saala report kya likhega ?

Gary: Enough is enough, everyone falls in line...

Munaf Patel suddenly wakes up from his slumber and asks, "Gary, did you say Munaf is Munaf ? But I maintained good line and length"

Dhoni: Exactly, we have to maintain line and length and keep them below 234 odd if they bat first. And Sreesanth should keep quite. As long as he is not messing up with certain things, it is fine.

At this juncture, Ashish Nehra limps in with a toothy grin and joins the outer circle. He declares, "I am fit for England, I want to screw them again. This time not 6, I want 7"

Sachin, asserting that he too is fit again, "What do you think is a good score if we are batting first ?"

Viru: 175...

Gauty: Abe team ka total pooch raha hai, tera nahin...

Zaheer: It looks like a turning track. 250 - 260 kaafi hoga. Chawla bhi toh hoga !

Viru: Theek hai, theek hai. Sreesanth nahin hoga toh theek hai. Waise baaki ke 75 - 85 kaun banaayega ?

Virat: Viru Bhai, you can't score 175 in every game...

Viru: Why not ? I want to play 50 overs. Last time out hogaya, toh iss baar poore pachaas hazaar, I mean poore pachaas overs khelna hai...

Gary: [Cutting short Viru] It isn't important who scores how many, we need a team effort...

Pathan suddenly stands up and yells, "What team ? I can win any match from any position..."

Yuveraj: Saala 2 century kya lagaya aur lambi lambi baat karta hai... Ek over me 6 sixer lagaake dikha. And then turns to Dhoni and asks, "Mahi, woh Broad ka bachcha Broad khel raha hai kya ?"

Dhoni: Yuvi, your role in the team has been redefined. You have to do a little bit of everything, batting, bowling and fielding.

Yuveraj: What do you think I am doing now ? I am bowling more than bit, I am batting very little, and fielding a little too.

Raina: What fielding ? I can do much better. The last time you dived in to the swimming pool, all the water splashed out. You can't dive now...

Gary: No fighting please...

Dhoni: Exactly, it is alright to pick up small issues with opponents till a certain level. But you should not create problems for team mates. Sreesanth should maintain discipline, as long as he is not crossing certain lines, it is alright. I am missing Street smart Obama, I mean Pehelwan PK. What we have got instead is an over-smart Appam. What can we do ? Injuries are part and parcel of the game...

All this while feeling like an orphan, Sreesanth is sitting at a corner and watching again and again his 5-0-53-0 spell against Bangladesh.

He grunts, kisses his lockets with all those religious symbols, draws an imaginary cross over his chest and then swears to himself, "Oh Guruvayoorappa, I too want a revenge match. Please let Bangladesh qualify for Semi-Final and I want to beat them and break that Kayes' head"

Meanwhile Yuvi wants to prove a point to Raina and dives right over Raina's head and lands heavily on Sreesanth. Sree in turn goes cartwheeling and bangs his head to the LCD television monitor and is knocked out cold. A part of the LCD monitor goes black.

There is utter chaos and someone shouts, "Pour some water on his face". In the pandemonium, Chawla does what he thinks is best suited [to himself]. He snatches the cup from Ashwin and pours all the hot coffee on Sree's face and trips Nehra with his legs and Nehra too lands with a thud and has injured his hamstrings again.

Dhoni: See, I had just warned him and here he is. Kabhie nahin sudhrega. He has damaged the LCD monitor and now Nehra is injured and will not be able to take 7 wickets against England. I think we have to report this to the Match Referee. Australia and Ponting can do whatever they like, but we are not like them.

Sreesanth is recovering from daze. Wiping off the coffee from his face and neck, Sree grumbles, "But Dhoni Bhai, what did I do ? I don't even know what hit me. Was it an Earthquake or did the roof collapse ? And why am I smelling like Indian Coffee House waiter ?"

Yuveraj takes offense and yells, "Look Appam C, I am not that heavy as you are insinuating", turns to Dhoni and moans, "See, how derogatory he is talking about me..."

Sreesanth: Wait, wait Yuvi Paaji wait, I didn't...

Yuveraj: Dekho dekho, baar baar mere weight ke baare me bol raha hai...

Dhoni: Yes, yes... It is very difficult to control Sreesanth. We have tried our best to reform him. But how he has smashed the LCD monitor, broken Nehra's long leg and hurt Yuvi's senti mentals. We can't tolerate this anymore. Sreesanth has crossed all the certain lines and now he has to be punished. I am going to call a press meet at 7:30 PM !

Sreesanth: Ende Guruvayoorappa rakshikkane ... !




S-Pun Doctor